Two things.

1. I was watching the Ace of Cakes marathon on Monday and kind of half-paying-attention while working on other things, and Duff was talking about making something and probably giggling (he does that) and… wait, is that a jellyfish cake in the background?!??

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Dude. AWESOME. I don’t care for many of Ace of Cakes cakes because I find them too cartoony, but seriously, that jellyfish cake is super-rad. I realize only the dome top part is edible and the rest is structural, but who cares? JELLYFISH CAKE. I bet Snorth is cursing herself right now for not having that as her wedding cake.

And yes, I’m quite aware they are not called jellyfish anymore, they’re called jellies. But “jelly cake” means something totally different. For those of you kids playing at home, starfish are now called sea stars and seahorses are now called… something else. I forgot. I can’t keep track of politically correct ocean nomenclature.

2. I saw Slumdog Millionaire. I saw it based on the reviews I read. You can read one here. Note the words they use in the review: “beautiful, sad, sweet, uplifting, and thoroughly entertaining”. Yeah, sounds lovely, doesn’t it? I’m going to totally ruin the movie with a mess of spoilers right now because no review I read did that and that caused me to have to choke back stomach acid while watching this film. IT’S AWFUL. The first half is disgusting and the second half is boring and a bit silly, plot-wise. Let me first clue you in on the disgusting bits: Jamal the Street Child lives in absolute squalor in Bombay (it’s still Bombay at that time). He is defecating at the local lavatory (a shed over a pit) when his favorite movie star lands in a helicopter nearby. His brother locks him in as a prank, so to get to see his movie idol, Jamal pinches his nose and drops himself into the pit of human excrement, then crawls out underneath completely covered and rubs his liquid-filth-encrusted-self on members of the crowd surrounding the movie star in an attempt to get to the front. I’m turning green just thinking about it. Shortly afterwards, we see Jamal and his brother and mother washing at the local watering hole, when apparently a religious riot breaks out and Jamal sees his mother get whacked in the face with a hunk of wood and die. Jamal and his brother see other people being torched and killed in front of them, and on their way back, they see their mother’s corpse floating in the water. Wait, it gets better. Jamal and his brother are living at the local dump when a man shows up and offers to take them in. He teaches them to sing so they can sing on the street for money. However, blind children get twice as much money, so when he finds a particular child with good singing skills, he drugs them and blinds them with boiling hot water and a spoon. OH MY GOD. This is all in the first half-hour. How can no one mention this in any review anywhere? The rest of it is all about finding the one true love of your life you are destined to be with and fate and all that whatever and it ends with the lovers being together and a bollywood dance number. Aside from Dev Patel, who plays the adult Jamal and is excellent, this movie blows and if it wins a slew of Oscars I’m going to be very, very unhappy.

Addendum: I am very, very unhappy.

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