Archive for August, 2011

I am a tool.

Sunday, August 28th, 2011

Hurricane / Tropical Storm Irene hit the East Coast last night, so I woke up this morning expecting to be surrounded by carnage. I looked out the window and – nothing. No puddles, no down branches, no people swimming to get groceries, nothing. A bunch of leaves on the ground, that’s it. So, I went on Facebook before checking everybody’s else’s status and wrote:

Which was a huge, huge mistake. Because then I saw this:

And this:

And this:

And this and this and this:

And I felt like a colossal douche. So let me make a formal apology: I didn’t think, I just looked out the window and assumed everybody had the same non-existent storm experience that I did. As we all know, assuming makes a hind-quarter out of you and me. So I am sorry. It won’t happen again.

A couple of things.

Sunday, August 28th, 2011

First of all, apparently we are all going to die as Hurricane Irene waltzes over the tri-state area, and the people who remain will have to rebuild civilization, so good luck to them. I’m going to share a few things and then go to bed and hope that all the old-growth trees around my apartment building do not uproot themselves and plunge through my window (which would totally bum me out). First:

A website called Winning at Everything. I believe it was started by the same people who made Regretsy, a favorite of mine. Here are a few choice selections.

And my personal favorite of all time:

The other thing I wanted to share I do with a heavy heart. As much as I have tried, I do not like Doctor Who. I don’t. The problem with that is many people who I enjoy being around and who’s opinions of things matter to me adore Doctor Who. Like, crazy obsessive adoration. And I cannot for the life of me get into it. I’ve watched all of Season One (Eccleston) and all of Season Two (Tennant) and I give up. I have a hard time getting into science fiction at the best of times. The science fiction on Doctor Who is so wacky and the special effects are so cheese-tastic – maybe that’s part of its charm, but it just makes me miss Firefly. I never liked Star Trek, I guess it’s like the same thing. Sigh.

Adore the theme song, though.

The LoveCake.

Monday, August 22nd, 2011

Recently, I posted a picture of a cake that looked like this:

The preciousness of this cake, it slays me. I was inspired to make this for my mother’s birthday party (which was this past weekend). Here’s the problem: I have never baked a cake. I think I made some brownies in high school, and then I made some peach cobbler a couple years ago, and that’s it. So I have no prior cake knowledge to pull from. Here’s what I did in case you wish to make it for someone you love:

1. Buy Dr. Oetker’s Organic French Vanilla cake mix, vanilla frosting and rose pink food coloring. It has to be vanilla cake so it’s pale. This particular cake mix was the least synthetic of the mixes, and since I never bake I didn’t want to buy a ton of supplies I would never use again (flour, sugar, baking powder, etc.) If you want to make cake from scratch, more power to you. Just make sure it’s a pale-colored batter (no chocolate).

2. Get a myriad of 8″ springform baking pans. I just have one, so this took FOREVER. Try to have at least two. Borrow from friends. Whatever you gotta do.

3. Mix the batter in a big bowl. I used two boxes and their accompanying ingredients (eggs, milk, oil). Then take five identical bowls. Pour equal amounts of batter into the bowls. It should look like this.

4. Arrange them in a row. Put a whole bunch of food coloring at one end and no food coloring at the other end. Then, using miniscule amounts of food coloring, try to create a gradation from no pink to bright pink, like so:

5. Pour the lightest color into a pan and bake. Check frequently, almost obsessively to make sure it’s not turning brown. The edges can turn brown, but if the top starts to get any color, pull that sucker out right quick.

6. Take a knife and run it slowly around the edge of the pan. Pop the pan off. Then run a big ole bread knife underneath the cake until it separates from the base. Place on display thingie (I have a raised Martha Stewart cake display thingie, so that’s what I used). Use the bread knife to level the cake if it’s higher on one side, or poofy in the middle. Lightly frost with frosting.

7. Repeat with the next darkest level. Over and over and over until you hate cake and you want to punch cake in the face.

I also made my mother the adorable flag thing that was on top of the cake with her name on it. Here’s what it looked like when it was finished.

Then people cut into the LoveCake and surprise! It worked!

Since my camera is kinda average it looks like the two bottom stripes and the two middle stripes are the same color, but in real life it was a beautiful gradation. People were like OMG PINK CAKE STRIPES HOW DID YOU and I had to explain it to a variety of people and they all were impressed. So if you like to bake I recommend you make this because it will garner rave reviews. And it was tasty and delicious (bonus!).

Etsy goodness.

Friday, August 19th, 2011

There is a website called Etsy that is a place for you to sell your artistic wares. Anyone can join and sell anything they make. Here’s the problem with that: anyone can join and sell anything they make. That means that a huge percentage of the things on there are lame. Not good, not bad, just utterly, completely meh. Thousands and thousands of crafters, selling the equivalent of macaroni and glitter on construction paper. Now, there’s a phenomenal website called Regretsy which focuses on the most crappity of crappity art on Etsy, but I am always wondering who is awesome on Etsy. So I made a folder on my desktop and over some time, I have assembled a small group of extremely talented people whose art you should check out as soon as possible.

Bunny X Productions

Polymer clay octopi with articulated limbs – and one is a zombie! Who could ask for more? I want a brain fob for my keychain.

The Royal Creature

Raku plant holders that look like monsters. I love the fact that the planter is the primary artistic element, as opposed to background element to the plants (as planters normally are). Number #3 is my favorite. “I’m gonna hug you!”

Papercuts by Joe

Hot diggety, this man knows his way around a knife. Would you look at that papercut of the building? I have mad respect for this man.

Justin Bagley

Glass + sea creatures = awesome. That’s it, people. Simple math.

Tiny World in a Bottle

Teeny-tiny paper sculptures in teeny-tiny bottles. I would wear them around my neck and any time I got bored, I would just stare into them and get lost inside.


My favorite of all. Metal animal skulls and glass eye rings and all kinds of general awesomeness. Snorth owns a necklace by this guy and in person it is equally great. I haven’t decided which piece of his I’m going to buy, they’re all so beautiful.

People who are unnecessarily talented. Not fair.

Thursday, August 18th, 2011

First of all, a video that made me laugh for a solid five minutes. Anyone wonder what a horse race looks like inside my head? Well, wonder no more.

Now, on to the talent portion of our competition. I like to think I have some skills in some areas. However, often I am shown that I am not awesome in any way, shape or form. I would like to share some videos of people making me feel useless right now.

1. Some Japanese men making mochi. Be sure to watch the bit between the pounder thing and the bare hands.

2. This policeman riding a motorcycle all smooth-like around super-tight turns. You know how this would go for me? Get on motorcycle. Progress five feet forward. Fall over, most likely with the motorcycle on top of me. Moan until someone rescues me. The end.

3. And finally, the Nike basketball commercial from 2001. Damn. DAMN. It made me want to learn how to bounce that tangerine orb like a pro.

Burlesque Activitay.

Tuesday, August 9th, 2011

Cricket and I went on another activitay. This time we went to the Upper West Side to watch some burlesque.

Burlesque, in case you don’t know, is when lovely ladies take off their clothes for you. However, do not confuse this with stripping. With stripping, it’s about taking your clothes off and getting the customer hot and bothered so he gives you money. With burlesque, the titillation is nowhere near as important as the entertainment value. Some of these girls looked real regular, with no fake parts and large hips, etc. Also, they wear g-strings and pasties, so you never see the, ahem, primary and secondary sexual characteristics, if you will. And sometimes the nice ladies do comedy or sing as well, it’s a full-service show. The particular show we saw was hosted by a  great woman named (I’m not making this up) World Famous *BOB*. Here is a picture of World Famous *BOB* and her giant gazongas, Snookie and Pookie. They were additional characters in her show, like enormous fleshy puppets. We got to know them very well. She was wearing the pink evening ensemble you see in that first picture.

And here’s a picture of World Famous *BOB* with her pink-tinted toy poodle, Movie Star. She spoke at great length about Movie Star. I feel like I know this dog now.

There were a whole bunch of acts, and they did two numbers each. One woman, Minnie Tonka, did a number to “You Spin Me Right Round (Like A Record)”, she had pasties that she attached records to and they spun! That got a lot of cheers. One girl, Tansy, did a lovely striptease as Snow White from Disney, with a little birdie on her finger, so now I can’t imagine it without copious amounts of nudity and tassel-twirling. The headliner, Nasty Canasta, did a classic fan dance, but using a box fan (clever), and another woman, Darlinda Just Darlinda did a great number where (this is going to sound demented) she kept acting like she was smelling her pits to a classic French song. But, you know, like a lady. It was a hoot. In October there’s going to be The Golden Pastie Awards at the Highline Ballroom, and I may go to that.

This is cool.

Saturday, August 6th, 2011

There’s a website out there called which will take the information on your resume and make it into a variety of charts. That is such a cool idea.

Happy Birthday to me, plus reality TV and a fascinator.

Monday, August 1st, 2011

It’s my birthday today! Very exciting. I had cake and grilled meats (not at the same time), it was all very lovely. The finest present I received, however, was this on the TV when I got home.

Has everything been made for TV that’s going to be? Because I feel like we’re bottom-feeding in the Marianas Trench now. For you kids at home that managed to make it through the Nineties without hearing about Heidi Fleiss, she was a real famous madam in New York who had a bevy of faaaahne women working for her, but alas she was caught and went to prison and got hooked on drugs…and if you look at the picture I’ve included, she clearly, at some point, had a whole bunch of face work done. Watching her smile is like watching a spectre trying to grin after a root canal. Geesh.

And now she has twenty parrots (loud ones, macaws) hanging out in her house. I’m glad I know this now.

More importantly, I made myself a festive fascinator (translation: stuff stuck to a headband). I saw this on a crafting blog:

And I didn’t want a big brooch, but I did want a shnazzy headband, so I adapted it for headband use. First, I individually dyed each petal with alcohol and ink.

Then I glued them all together but because they were stiff from the alcohol, they didn’t mash together, causing gaps. To make the gaps less…gap-y, I made dark purple polymer clay twisty thorns and scattered them in and out and all around. Finally, I thought it needed leaves so I found some super-green peacock feathers and made some orange wire stems and poof, fancy headdress for me.

Now I just needed to get invited to a party with a Frida Kahlo theme or something so I have a reason to rock this thing in public.