Television I’ve been taking in.

1. Snorth and I were having a discussion about the show Hoarders which we both watch. Snorth insisted that the “winner” of Hoarders were the people who didn’t know a homeless woman was living in their basement for a year (the husband casually named her Scary Mary) and I swore the woman where half her house was missing, just not there, open to the breezes and whatnot, was the farthest gone into the abyss of the “No, I don’t smell that” that is Hoarders. Then there was the episode recently with Jan. This woman had the standard predicament – sad, depressed, unknown number of cats, the water’s been shut off. However, and here’s where it’s no longer okay, Jan continued to go number two in the toilet and now in her bathroom resides… Poop Mountain. I won’t show you a picture because NOPE but I will help you visualize it. Imagine a white toilet, okay? Now imagine an enormous mound on top of it that looks like coils of twisted tormented lava. There ya go. Poop Mountain. It was horrifying. I had to watch through my fingers. This next part I am not making up. When the biohazard team removed the whole situation, a cat ran out from behind the toilet into the street, where he proceeded to lay down and die. Just like that. So Jan came out into the street, picked up the cat and stroked it for a really long time, too long I think, while the therapy people tried to explain that the cat is like a giant canary and her house is full of toxins. Jan then said one of the greatest phrases ever uttered.

“The ammonia that got released when they cleaned the poop mountain…killed him.”

Oh my God, Jan, NO, that’s not why the cat died. The jostling of Poop Mountain didn’t cause the cat to get a rattle in his throat and then bite it in the middle of the road. Your perpetually gross house for the last five years killed him. Maybe the stove completely covered in cat dingleberries finished him off, it would certainly finish me off. You know, my parents, being perpetually optimistic, wanted me to consider becoming a therapist when I was younger and I was like, No. I have no compassion. If I was in a situation like this with Jan I would be all screamy in her face about the nasty-ass living conditions she was rockin’.

2. I finished Battlestar Galactica today! What a weird ending. It’s about a war and the race of humans getting decimated, so it’s not really upbeat, but around the middle of Season 3 it gets REALLY dark. Like, everybody dies. It reminded me of Les Miserables the musical. That’s my go-to for depressing, everyone-dies media. Practically all the characters in that damn show kick the bucket and they make you watch each and every one. We got one with consumption, a bunch of people getting shot with muskets, one throwing himself off a bridge, anything you want. There’s a whole song devoted to stealing trinkets off bodies littering the battlefield, for God’s sake. It’s a grim show. Here’s a picture of the closing number.

Battlestar Galactica reminded me of that. There’s getting shot, shooting oneself, dying of cancer, explosions, poisoning, getting sucked into outer space (which apparently will kill you), and general ennui and tears and excessive drinking and lashing out from just about everyone. Then, you get to the last episode and poof! semi-happiness. It was a bit of a shock to the system. I can understand why people didn’t care for the end (see here and here). Here’s a bit of a spoiler, so head’s up: If you tidily wrap up a four-season show and all its convoluted loose ends with the concept “Because God says so,” you suck. Did we learn nothing from Lost, people*?

3. I listen to the podcast The Nerdist and they mentioned the show Damages and how good it is, so I started watching it. I’ve only seen the pilot but woo boy, is that good television. First of all, Glenn Close is the bomb, that goes without saying. I’ve loved her since Dangerous Liaisons. And the writing is nice and tense. It’s like Law and Order with balls. It’s streaming on Netflix, so get on that.

* I didn’t watch Lost, but I do work with many people who did and when the show ended with everyone in the cast going to heaven or whatever, I had to listen to so, so very much bitching the next day at the office. Angry, angry viewers.

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