Pacific Rim and The Hobbit.

I am SO COLD. I can’t feel my feet. It was -4 degrees Friday and my poor heater was chugging away, but it couldn’t compete with the chill. I went out to a bar to say goodbye to Nessa (she’s moving to San Francisco to become a cop) and I spent the entire time in the bar like this:

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I may never feel warmth again. I shall miss you, toes. You served me well.

Anyway, I saw Pacific Rim the other night! Oh, Pacific Rim. I had such high hopes for you. You were full of ‘splosions! Alien on robot warfare! Idris Elba bein’ all awesome like he do! And then, lameness. It started so well, too. The opening bit was totally engrossing and then from that point on it was a slow smooth descent into Pooptown. I can suspend my disbelief to a point, but some things didn’t, like, you know… make sense. The non-sequiturs were so depressingly meh that I don’t want to even discuss them here, but here are a couple distinctive things:

  • Do you like nosebleeds? Then you’re gonna love this film! Everyone’s rockin’ a delicate sanguous trickle from one nostril.
    The machine fried my brain! Nosebleed.
    I was exposed to too much radiation! Nosebleed.
    Kleenex should have done some product placement. “Is something leaking out of your face because your brain is overloaded controlling a machine the size of the Empire State Building? Mop up that spinal fluid with Kleenex. It can hold your entire medulla oblongata without ripping. That’s Kleenex, the facial tissue that will help tamp the vital ooze until your eyeball explodes from the inside and you collapse to the ground and die. Kleenex.”
  • There’s a scene where the only female in the whole film, a super-dope Japanese girl:
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    She has a disturbing flashback to her childhood where her family is killed by a giant crab godzilla monster she is running down the street crying. The little girl playing her as a child was an AMAZING actor. It was creepy how much she looked like that famous picture from Vietnam where the girl is running down the street naked. I’m sure that was intentional.
  • The main theme music is HAWSOME. Every time I walk into a room, I want this playing in the background. I’m going to have this put in my work contracts from now on. This is non-negotiable. http://youtu.be/s_R2l4ujlao?t=45s
  • Speaking of music, Idris Elba makes a rally-the-troops speech at one point, you may remember from the commercials (“Today we are cancelling the apocalypse!!!!”) and it’s a total ripoff of the Independence Day speech (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QoLywiaM6PA). I really want someone to make a mashup of the two with an unch-unch-unch dance beat behind it. Could someone get on that, please? Thank you.

If you want to hear all the things good and bad (mostly bad, it’s not a great film) about Pacific Rim, I recommend listening to this podcast. It was pretty spot-on.

http://podbay.fm/show/345412221/e/1376152535?autostart=1

And then today I saw The Hobbit 2: Electric Boogaloo with Benadryl Claritin playing the voice of Smaug. Here’s an unusual occurrence: I saw a website that said this as the review.

“Skip the first half, the only part that matters is the dragon. He’s in the second half and he is amazing. Everything before that is boring.”

Then I spoke to a friend of mine who’s opinion matters to me and what she said.

“I loved everything until the dragon. There was lots of action and excitement and then the dumb dragon basically talks for forty-five minutes about how great and scary he is, it’s boring.”

Now, I thought the first movie (The Hobbit: Let’s Eat Dinner For Fifteen Minutes) was boring and drawn-out and could have been condensed down quite a bit, so I didn’t have big expectations for this film, but I liked it! All of it! The beginning, the middle, the end, it was all good. So that’s… three diametrically opposite feelings about the movie. You need to find someone who hated the whole movie and you would have all the boxes checked. I say go check it out, preferably in IMAX, not necessarily in 3D, and maybe you will like it. Or maybe you will feel like any of these other people who sorta liked parts of it. I can’t guarantee anything.

2 Responses to “Pacific Rim and The Hobbit.”

  1. Gemma says:

    pssst….come to FL and defrost for a few days 😉

  2. Rothbeastie says:

    The Polar Frostbreeze is ebbing. It’s totally tolerable now. But thank you for the invitation. 🙂

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