9:52 a.m. - Show up at work. Make enormous vessel of herb tea. Meet up with co-workers (there are five of them) to discuss previous evening’s activities. Consider laying down on disgusting never-washed carpet and going back to sleep.

10:07 a.m. – Read emails. Answer work emails. Divvy up work between me and my co-workers. Børkke walks in to office to have meeting about daily work tasks. She has composed a new song about cheese.

10:07 a.m. -10:11 a.m. – Listen to horrible Michael McDonald-style song about cheese.

10:12 a.m. – Discuss what everyone’s going to have for lunch.

10:14 a.m. – 1:43 p.m. – Design a Keynote presentation, or a brochure, or an email signature, or a headsheet for a meeting, or a letterhead, or photoshop some images. Listen to unch-unch-unch dance music the whole time while wearing big floofy earphones. Refill giant tea mug twice. Go tinkle forty-seven thousand times because of it.

1:44 p.m.-2:03 p.m. – Actually eat some real-person food. During that time, check myriad of websites like Buzzfeed. Snort-laugh repeatedly at videos while wearing earphones so no one knows why you’re laughing. Reinforce pre-conceived notions that you’re mentally unbalanced.

2:04 p.m. – Have important office meeting. End up coming up with dance moves for The Cheese Song.

2:05 p.m. – Figure out with co-workers how we’re going to deal with the enormous soul-crushing project happening the next week. Make mental note to see friends and do laundry this week, because next week I will be so strapped for time that I will be unable to find time to shower. Consider laying down on too-small uncomfortable couch and going back to sleep.

2:09 p.m.-6:04 p.m. – Continue working on the Keynotes or brochure or email signature, etc. More tea. More bathroom. At some point inflict a video of a bunny/kitty/owl on co-workers. Co-workers feign interest while you make squeaky noises and threaten to pet subject of video to death a la Lenny from Of Mice And Men. BECAUSE YOU LOVE IT SO MUCH.

6:30ish p.m.-7:15ish p.m. – Put on coat and head out for hour-and-a-half commute home.

Peppered throughout the day: “Your mom” as responses to almost all questions, and “That’s what she/he/your mom said” as responses to all other statements. Also, cram as many racist/religious/sexist comments into your day as possible. Compete with co-workers to see who can say the most offensive thing. Hope HR never visits.

Photo of Børkke and me working late one night:

Addendum: Picture of my whole department at the Holiday Party.

Yup, yes it is.

There were a lot of the usual suspects at this year’s procession. Not that they’re bad, just expected. Like this lovely cow.

Some llamas and an alpaca:

A wee pig:

The tortoise that, due to all the foliage around him, unfortunately looks like he’s being served for Thanksgiving dinner:

A dromedary and a yak and a duck and that woman who clutches the fennec right up to her chest so it’s impossible for me to get a decent photo, they were all there.

There were two distinctly new additions to the beastie-parade. There was a macaque (oooooh) and a coati (ahhhhh).

But, as always, the real winners were the people of New York and their pets. Were there demented owners who insisted on putting bows in their dogs’ hair and pushing them them around in strollers? You betcha.

A guy brought his turtle to be blessed.

But the most impressive blessed creature of the day was the British guy who brought his…wait for it…jellyfish to church.

There are two of them. I circled them because, you know, they’re see-through and therefore difficult to spot.

A bunch of other people took a whole lot of stunning pictures that people emailed me all day. They are far, far superior to my photos, so please enjoy.

http://www.bugcomic.com/

Here are some ones that make me especially happy.

2. A friend of mine came into the city from out of town and went to KidRobot because she had a coupon. She bought some Dunnies, one of which was an avocado. I own about six or seven of them, but once I saw the avocado one, the FIRE was LIT within me once again and I had to have more Dunnies (specifically the avocado one). A Dunny, in case you don’t know, is a bunny/humanoid-shaped figurine, often made of vinyl. Its natural state is plain white, so artists are commissioned to make designs that go on them. Those are semi-mass-produced, and then artsy folk such as myself can collect them and have wee 3″ sculptures all over our respective homes and/or workplaces. I went on Amazon and, sure enough, they had the one I wanted, but you can’t get just one Dunny, can you? (Answer: No, you cannot.) End of story: I now have nine new Dunnies coming in the mail. If I keep going at this rate, when I die my phenomenal clutter will AWE THE MASSES.

3. As you may know, I work in the sparkly district of Manahattan. Not the diamond district (47th Street between 5th and 6th Avenues), the rhinestone and costume jewelry district (peppered on 6th Avenue between 27th and 37th Street). And let me tell you, things get GAUDY. For example, even though I walk past these glittering treasures and become immune to them, from time to time something leaps out and accosts my eyeballs in a manner that I cannot ignore. Like this necklace.

Once again, WHO WEARS THIS?? It looks uncomfortable and stabby, and I don’t think it would lay right on a woman’s decolletage, all pointing out at different angles and whatnot. Not good. But it was positively glorious next to the newest addition to this window.

That’s right – wacky phones from Spencer’s Gifts completely bedazzled in high-end rhinestones. I don’t even know where to start. First of all, they’re crappy plastic phones that are now weighed down with small chunks of glass, so if they were going to break before, they’re definitely going to now. Also, when you hold them up to your face for a long time, the rhinestones are going to leave dents on your hands and face. Pretty! Then you’re gonna leave sweaty hand-and-face debris all over them, and you know how easy it is to clean something that is rhinestone-covered with a rag or paper towel. I must have stood in front of this window for a solid minute, jaw agape. You really need to imagine this window as the morning sun hits it, blinding the crap out of all the passersby. Sometimes I think these stores are just fronts for the mob, because who has this in their house? I have no idea how these stores stay in business. None.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R6OhjpyveNw

But we were all trapped in this metal tube that reflects sound like nobody’s business, so even though I had my headphones on she was slicing through my podcast and my skull like one of those boats in the Arctic that punch through the ice and leaves crunchy piles all around it. This is my podcast experience:

“So, Chris, tell me about the latest book you’ve read –”

“I TOLD HER THAT SHE SHOULDN’T LET HIM TREAT HER LIKE THAT!”

“– excellent novel that really evokes –”

“I CAN’T BELIEVE THAT! YOU KNOW, I SAID THAT WOULD HAPPEN! YOU REMEMBER!”

“– that last one I read that made me feel –”

“HAHAHAHAAHAA!!”

This went on for a good five minutes. All the white people were looking around, silently trying to figure out who would get up and talk to her. Finally, this gray-haired fella walked over, got her attention and made the “quieter, please” gesture. Primary Hispanic Lady apparently misconstrued this to mean stop talking in English, so she continued to have her insanely loud cell chat, but now in Spanish. I wanted to explain to her that even though I couldn’t understand what she was saying, it was still, shall we say, dampening my travel experience. It now sounded like this:

“I would recommend this novel to anyone who enjoys –”

“ME GUSTA EL QUESO CARPINCHO VAGON AXILA MUCHO TORPEDO QUE LO COMPARTAS CONMINGO!”

At some point the super-trendy late-teens Scarsdale lass sitting across from me looked at me and shrugged her shoulders as if saying, “Eh, ethnic people, what are you gonna do? Am I right, Fellow White Person?” And I wanted to say, “No, no no, I am not in your camp just because I share your honkitude. I have traveled on the train with a large quantity of splendidly rude white people. Please do not try to commiserate with me.” By then the train trip was over (hooray!) and the Primary Hispanic Lady turned to Secondary Hispanic Lady and said, “Did we miss 125th Street?” The Scarsdale Trendy Girl leans over and, in the most passive-aggressive way imaginable, smiled and said, “Well, if you had been listening to the conductor…” then flipped her hair like they did in teen 80s movies and stalked off. I’m surprised her feather extensions didn’t fly out, she flounced so hard. At that point I became torn because I couldn’t decide if I hated Primary Hispanic Lady or Scarsdale Trendy Girl more. I decided that I hated everyone everywhere and I wanted to live on a mountaintop where I could just watch all the internet’s cat videos until the end of my time here on earth.

Moral of story: I’m thinking of getting the word “misanthrope” tattooed as a tramp stamp on my back.

What the huh? And this one:

But what I read was this:

I was truly out of my milieu. But I had a jolly good time anyway. First of all, as you come in there is a giant dinosaur made from car and truck parts with a couch in it that children were sitting on. And fire was coming out of its nose. I want one for my living room.

Then there are a variety of white tents set up all over the grounds. The first one I hit was the Craftacular sponsored by Bust Magazine (motto: “getting it off our chests”). I was familiar with everything going on there. In fact, I bought myself some steampunk items from a lovely woman who came all the way from Columbus, Ohio. I got a necklace made for a watch exterior with a morpho butterfly wing in it, and I also got a pendant made from the watch’s interior components.

Then Cricket and I headed over to the Maker Pavilion:

Where the big thing this year is 3D printers. What is a 3D printer, you ask? Good question. You make an object in a 3D program, then you send the file to the nice printing machine. On top of the printer is a spool of plastic, and what happens is the plastic string is drawn down to a heated little element which lays it out in rows over and over itself, not unlike how one makes a coiled clay pot. It can make just about any shape. It totally blew my mind. Here’s what the big industrial machine looks like (note the spool of plastic):

They were also selling an Ikea version that came flat-packed that you assembled yourself, which was adorable:

And here are some the crazy-awesome things the 3D printer could make:

Apparently it can also do it in metal and glass, but I couldn’t figure out how.

Anyway, instead of buying one of these machines, you can also just send some of the companies your designs and they will print it for you (which is what I would do if I was making something). Here’s one company’s information:

Another big tent that was there was the Arduino Pavilion.

When I asked Cricket what an Arduino was, he sighed heavily and told me it was a small computer. I waited outside this pavilion while Cricket pottered around inside looking at…Arduinos.

There were a variety of littler tents scattered all around the grounds showing other people’s cool ideas. For example, there was the lock picker tent.

Another tent had a rather genius idea in it based on Archimedes’ mirror death ray.

You, a doctor in a rural area without an effective way to keep your tools disease-free, receive this box with angled bits of wood in it and a pile of 3″ x 3″ mirrors. You place the mirrors on the angled bits of wood and when the sun hits it, it focuses the sun’s rays on one very hot spot. You put your surgical knives or clampers or whatever in that beam, and it’s so hot it burns away all the evil bacteria and/or viruses. It never goes bad or loses its potency and is relatively easy to transport and/or repair. I think it’s brilliant.

Outside the tents was a solar carousel.

And a fish bike which I believe I saw at the Mermaid Parade.

And this guy eating chinese food.

By then, Cricket and I were peckish, so we stood in line for paella, which was cooked in giant paella pans. And the paella was mad good too.

I felt bad for the fresh fruit vendor next door because he had a bit of a honeybee situation. The honeybees were lovin’ it, though.

But my favorite thing was definitely the Sashimi Tabernacle Choir. I heard about it a few years ago, but I never thought I would see it in person. And lemme tell you, it is magical. I’m not even being obnoxious. It’s magical. Cricket and I stood in front of this thing for at least three songs.

Here’s a video someone took of the Sashimi Tabernacle Choir performing Bohemian Rhapsody. I don’t know what’s up the the filmer’s camera, but the clicking noise is NOWHERE that loud in real life. You can totally hear the music all the time.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-L-ikHb7mJA&

And this video’s pretty great too. Note the conducting lobster near the top.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MV-kPlqEzAg&

And this one. Because I love this car.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NR2_jjbBMuo&

The most important thing there, in my opinion, was this chihuahua who was sitting on this woman’s shoulder right in front of me. Totally underwhelmed by the proceedings going on around him.

There didn’t seem to be much structure to the parade. There were giant trucks with massive generators on them that would roll on by and music would be blasting out of the speakers. People were standing on or around the trucks, but they didn’t do specific choreographed moves or anything. They just walked alongside it. The weirdest one were these two people on the first truck to pass us by. The guy was yelling into a microphone, but the woman was in this backwards crouched pose. She wasn’t dancing or even moving. She looked like she thought the truck was excessively dirty and she didn’t want her pristine white costumed butt touching it. Or perhaps someone told her they would kill her whole family if she didn’t stay in that position for the whole parade. It looked uncomfortable, being frozen like that.

The one thing that was amazing was the costumes. There were all kinds, but the uniting thread between all of them was bright colors and feathers. Many birds are now bald and have to wear sweaters because of this parade. Sometimes feathers were all the ladies were wearing. This was probably the smallest costume I saw. Ribbons, feathers and glitter. That’s it.

It seemed like there could be any theme to the costumes. There was Mardi Gras (or Venice, depending on who you’re talking to):

Native Americans:

Greek motifs like the helmets and shields from “300″:

This woman’s headdress has an Thai feel to it:

And there were a bunch of people dressed like British colonists, with the white wigs and the triangle hats, but I was eating curried chicken and rice at that time and was unable to get a shot.

There were also quite a few people who looked like they made their own costumes, and some of them were fantastic. I can’t imagine how much time and work went into those. The best was the man with the gold carousel-type costume with the life-size dolls hanging off the four corners. That costume had wheels, it was so big (and probably heavy).

There was the one that looked like an African shield with peacock feathers around the perimeter:

There was the unfortunate person dressed as a giant red flower who needed someone to walk in front of them and guide them down the street:

But my favorite was this guy. I cannot for the life of me figure out what’s going on here. I feel like he’s going to rob me with the bandanna over his face, but then he looks like a bat…with hearts all over his wings? Is this a thug homage to Alice in Wonderland? Cricket had no idea either.

A group of men walked by celebrating what I can only construe is the Ripped Ab and Pectoral Society of Gentlemen.

Chihuahua is unimpressed.

Oh, and there were stilt kids.

The one thing at the parade that really took me by surprise was the dancing. I’ve seen a lot of dancing in my day, but nothing like this. Women would stand in the middle of the street, bend over at the waist until their fingertips were touching the ground, and any random guy would come up behind them and grind up on them something fierce. Maybe he would call his friend in and his friend would start humping on her facial area, thereby creating a “train”. In the middle of the street, people. In full view of everybody. At one point I turned to Cricket, and without a shred of humor said, “Is no one thinking of the children?!?!!” And then I clutched my pearls and fainted. Here’s a picture of the “dancing” happening on the sidelines.

Now that I’ve gone, I don’t think I need to go again. It was hella-crowded and it took forever to get there from the suburbs where I’m at, so perhaps if it was broadcast on TV I would watch it, but otherwise I’ll just stay home and craft like I normally do.

Which was a huge, huge mistake. Because then I saw this:

And this:

And this:

And this and this and this:

And I felt like a colossal douche. So let me make a formal apology: I didn’t think, I just looked out the window and assumed everybody had the same non-existent storm experience that I did. As we all know, assuming makes a hind-quarter out of you and me. So I am sorry. It won’t happen again.

Burlesque, in case you don’t know, is when lovely ladies take off their clothes for you. However, do not confuse this with stripping. With stripping, it’s about taking your clothes off and getting the customer hot and bothered so he gives you money. With burlesque, the titillation is nowhere near as important as the entertainment value. Some of these girls looked real regular, with no fake parts and large hips, etc. Also, they wear g-strings and pasties, so you never see the, ahem, primary and secondary sexual characteristics, if you will. And sometimes the nice ladies do comedy or sing as well, it’s a full-service show. The particular show we saw was hosted by a  great woman named (I’m not making this up) World Famous *BOB*. Here is a picture of World Famous *BOB* and her giant gazongas, Snookie and Pookie. They were additional characters in her show, like enormous fleshy puppets. We got to know them very well. She was wearing the pink evening ensemble you see in that first picture.

And here’s a picture of World Famous *BOB* with her pink-tinted toy poodle, Movie Star. She spoke at great length about Movie Star. I feel like I know this dog now.

There were a whole bunch of acts, and they did two numbers each. One woman, Minnie Tonka, did a number to “You Spin Me Right Round (Like A Record)”, she had pasties that she attached records to and they spun! That got a lot of cheers. One girl, Tansy, did a lovely striptease as Snow White from Disney, with a little birdie on her finger, so now I can’t imagine it without copious amounts of nudity and tassel-twirling. The headliner, Nasty Canasta, did a classic fan dance, but using a box fan (clever), and another woman, Darlinda Just Darlinda did a great number where (this is going to sound demented) she kept acting like she was smelling her pits to a classic French song. But, you know, like a lady. It was a hoot. In October there’s going to be The Golden Pastie Awards at the Highline Ballroom, and I may go to that.

http://highlineballroom.com/bio.php?id=2029

This one:

And my personal favorite:

I’m surprised Michele Bachmann and Rick Santorum haven’t outlawed Mallard ducks. If I were them, I would.

By the way, the funniest thing I saw there was a security guard who was clearly hired from some big agency and was profoundly displeased about working at MoSex (as the kids call it) with a black and shiny gold tie that read “I LOVE JESUS” over and over and over. It was his tiny little protest. Cricket and I were like, oooh honey, you need to find another line of work.

In somewhat keeping with the sensual theme, I went with Neenernator to the Metropolitan Museum of Art to see the Alexander McQueen exhibition. Alexander McQueen was a brilliant fashion designer who recently died, and this was a big retrospective of his work. I was vaguely familiar with this clothing and accessories, but now I think he might be my favorite designer. He was extremely concerned with taking the normal lines of the body and reshaping it – making different parts look longer or shorter or thinner or fatter, putting things in the incorrect place. Artists like Lady Gaga and Bjork really liked his work. McQueen stated that some of his influences were Tim Burton, The Brothers Grimm and Edgar Allen Poe. You’ll notice there’s a lot of references to death in his work, as well as S&M. At best, his clothes were uncomfortable to wear, and at worst they were probably a bit painful. I’m going to show you some of the more impacting pieces.

At the end of most fashion shows, they finish with the wedding dress. I love the fact that McQueen used antlers in one of his. I was told by my mother that under no circumstances was I allowed to ever get married with antlers on. She never lets me do anything.

One of the things McQueen was most well-known for was the lobster shoe. It is a ballet-shoe with a crazy-tall heel and the front bit protrudes out, making it look like a lobster claw.

Here’s a tattoo someone got of the lobster shoe. Hardcore, dude, hardcore.

My favorite dress that changed the perceived silhouette of the body was a dress I called the Christina Hendricks dress, because, well, it puts padding where one would have it if one was Christina Hendricks. Here two pictures of Christina Hendricks:

And here’s the Christina Hendricks dress:

My favorite dress was the horse dress. It’s molded to look like a nude woman on top, and then the bottom flares out and has horsehair hanging below. What makes this dress so great is the bottom flounces like the ponytail of the snottiest cheerleader in your high school.

And if you watch this video from 2:59 to 3:09, you can see the skirt-flouncing in action.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M5gY5DXrb48&

My second-favorite item was the jacket made from the skin of a Thompson’s Gazelle with gazelle horns coming out of the shoulders. You don’t need to wear makeup or earrings or anything with that, the horns do all the work for you.

There were also some stellar accessories on display. Like the face disc:

And the metal jaw:

And let’s not forget the external metal skeleton corset or the feathered ear things:

But, not surprisingly, I was drawn, once again, to wearing dead things as ornament. Specifically McQueen’s dead bird phase. At one point I turned to Neenernator and said, “IMMA GO KILL A DUCK.”

So, today I went on the internet and looked up dead birds I could purchase. It turns out that whole dead bird skins are kind of expensive. I wanted to buy this Grey Peacock Pheasant skin, but it was $300.

And since I have less than no idea what I’m doing, I decided to go with some starling skins that are a mere $7.00 each.

We’ll see what I make of this. I have been inspired. I may very well go and see the exhibit again. I recommend you see it too. It closes August 7th.

For anyone who doesn’t understand what we’re looking at, here’s what happened: Pompeii was blanketed in a thick layer of suffocating ash and toxic gases from the eruption of Mt. Vesuvius. This ash lay twelve feet thick over all the bodies of the deseased. Eventually, the ash hardened and the bodies decomposed, leaving body-shaped cavities in the now-hardened ash. These cast were all made of the negative space left behind, which apparently looked like this.

It was definitely worth going.

After that, Cricket and I headed over to the Highline. It’s been open for a while now, but I haven’t had a chance to walk it. The Highline was an elevated train track that had been sitting abandoned above the avenues on the west side of New York. Instead of tearing it down, they turned it into a park. Yay! Recycling in a positive way! It goes from 30th Street to 14th Street, and we walked the whole thing. Aside from having lovely plants all along the edge, there was also some art. At the base of the northern part was a small amusement park installation by Friends With You, and art group that I like a great deal.

Then, as you progress downtown, there’s a series of birdhouses which are, much to my dismay, kind of dumb. How did I come to this conclusion? Well, even though there was copious amounts of food and water and shelter, there was, in fact, no birds. Perhaps because it was mere inches from the walkway where thousands of people are traipsing by, I don’t know. I do know that if I was a bird and massive hoardes of giant loud monsters were thumping by on their giant feet all damn day, I wouldn’t set up residence there. I’m just sayin’.

Further down the Highline widens out and there’s an awesome piece of art there. There’s an overhang with a long strip of those small-paned windows that were so popular in industrial buildings back in the day. Now, according to the placard nearby, the artist went on an 11-hour boat trip on the Hudson and took a picture of the water every minute or so. I’m not sure if the artist took the dominant color or the color of the pixel in the center, but he did one of those two things and each pane of glass is assigned a color in the order they were taken, left to right, top to down, in rows. It’s so beautiful. Here’s a small piece of it.

Right across from the windows was a man selling homemade popsicles, and in front of him was a big block of ice. I said to Cricket, “I must have whatever that block of ice is associated with,” so when we got up to the front of the line, we just gesticulated towards the block, as if to say, “Please, do…whatever it is you do with that and give it to us, thank you.” The popsicle man then took a planing device with a cup at the end, like a diesel cheese grater, and he went skkkskskkhhsksshhh across the surface and filled the cup with shaved ice, and then he poured homemade rhubarb sweetened juice over the whole thing. Fabulous. If I ever have a fancypants backyard party, I will have a shaved-ice guy because it looks cool and it is delicious, which is a great pair.

Cricket and I purchased a Time Out magazine and looked through it, so hopefully there will be more exciting activitays to come.