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I like television!

Monday, September 5th, 2011

1. I was watching Hoarders the other night, as I often do, and there was this woman on who I think upset me as much as the poop closet lady, but for totally different reasons. At the beginning of each episode, they often show family members explaining how the hoarding started. Often it’s that someone close to them died or they had an illness and it all got away from them, etc. This one was…different. The hoarder’s name was Lisa, and her daughter Ana told us that Lisa was an artist and was social, but her husband abused her and forced her to give up her friends. Soon he insisted that she not make any art either. Lisa was left with no way to express herself, and her husband kept calling her a slob, so eventually she became one. Here’s where it gets not okay. Lisa channeled her creative energy into cooking, because that was the only outlet allowed by her husband, but she also expressed her rage through that. Here’s the icky part, kids: “My mom would lie about the ingredients in things, like saying something was apple pie, but it would be filled with raw chicken hearts…”

AAAAAAHHHHHHH.

“One day I opened the fridge to get some butter, and when I opened the butter container there was a dead dried-out squirrel, with his teeth all bared, looking at me. After that I no longer ate at at home.”

AAAAAAHHHHHHH.

There was also something about eating bugs in there, but I didn’t quite catch it. I assume it would have made me go AAAAAAHHHHHHH as well. I think this also the only episode I can think of where they recommended that Lisa go into a home. She was too damaged to ever recover, which is unfortunate. She seemed like before the decades of belittlement and abuse she was a real cool lady.

2. My neighbor K. recommended I start watching True Blood, and holy batpoop where has this been all my life? It’s sweaty Southern trash with smokin’ hot people workin’ out their problems, and oh, did I mention there’s vampires? Who are also hot and sweaty and Southern? It’s like the best soft core porn that ever was and ever will be. It’s cheesy and it ain’t apologizin’. LOVE IT. Except in the opening credits where the dead fox decomposes filmed with sped-up film, with the all maggots and whatnot. Other than that, great. Also (bonus), “Milton”/”The Boss from NewsRadio” is in season one and he’s a vampire who hooks up with another dude while “Eternal Flame” by the Bangles plays in the background. MAGIC, I tell you.

http://goteaminternet.com/show/63977

Posted in Stuff, The Telly | No Comments »

Mmmm, sleep cocoon.

Thursday, September 1st, 2011

My friend posted this on Pinterest, and apparently someone out there has upped the ante on the LoveCake game.

Hey, whoever did this cake? IT’S ON. I don’t know who you are, but the next time I make a cake, it will DESTROY you with its awesomeness. You done brought the clouds, so don’t be surprised when it rains. BOOYAH.

Anyway, I was looking on NotCot.org today, a website B. turned me on to, and I saw something someone invented for sleeping in weird places. Let me tell you something important about myself: I love sleeping. It might just be my most favorite thing ever. I refuse to let anyone sleep near me because I am unwilling to compromise my sleeping style (thrashing, pillow scrunching, snoring, etc.) And, on select occasions, I have been known to pass out face-down on my desk. Therefore, this product was made for me. What amuses me no end about it is how she looks like a molting pillbug who’s been on a bender for a while and is worse for wear. They need to work on how to make the sleep cocoon look less conspicuous than sleeping face-down on the desk. But, trust me when I say this, if this comes out in stores, I will be first in line to get it.

http://www.forrestjessee.com/198768/SLEEP-SUIT

Posted in Random Art Bloggery, Stuff, Tasty 'n' Delicious, Teh Intarwebz | 4 Comments »

The LoveCake.

Monday, August 22nd, 2011

Recently, I posted a picture of a cake that looked like this:

The preciousness of this cake, it slays me. I was inspired to make this for my mother’s birthday party (which was this past weekend). Here’s the problem: I have never baked a cake. I think I made some brownies in high school, and then I made some peach cobbler a couple years ago, and that’s it. So I have no prior cake knowledge to pull from. Here’s what I did in case you wish to make it for someone you love:

1. Buy Dr. Oetker’s Organic French Vanilla cake mix, vanilla frosting and rose pink food coloring. It has to be vanilla cake so it’s pale. This particular cake mix was the least synthetic of the mixes, and since I never bake I didn’t want to buy a ton of supplies I would never use again (flour, sugar, baking powder, etc.) If you want to make cake from scratch, more power to you. Just make sure it’s a pale-colored batter (no chocolate).

2. Get a myriad of 8″ springform baking pans. I just have one, so this took FOREVER. Try to have at least two. Borrow from friends. Whatever you gotta do.

3. Mix the batter in a big bowl. I used two boxes and their accompanying ingredients (eggs, milk, oil). Then take five identical bowls. Pour equal amounts of batter into the bowls. It should look like this.

4. Arrange them in a row. Put a whole bunch of food coloring at one end and no food coloring at the other end. Then, using miniscule amounts of food coloring, try to create a gradation from no pink to bright pink, like so:

5. Pour the lightest color into a pan and bake. Check frequently, almost obsessively to make sure it’s not turning brown. The edges can turn brown, but if the top starts to get any color, pull that sucker out right quick.

6. Take a knife and run it slowly around the edge of the pan. Pop the pan off. Then run a big ole bread knife underneath the cake until it separates from the base. Place on display thingie (I have a raised Martha Stewart cake display thingie, so that’s what I used). Use the bread knife to level the cake if it’s higher on one side, or poofy in the middle. Lightly frost with frosting.

7. Repeat with the next darkest level. Over and over and over until you hate cake and you want to punch cake in the face.

I also made my mother the adorable flag thing that was on top of the cake with her name on it. Here’s what it looked like when it was finished.

Then people cut into the LoveCake and surprise! It worked!

Since my camera is kinda average it looks like the two bottom stripes and the two middle stripes are the same color, but in real life it was a beautiful gradation. People were like OMG PINK CAKE STRIPES HOW DID YOU and I had to explain it to a variety of people and they all were impressed. So if you like to bake I recommend you make this because it will garner rave reviews. And it was tasty and delicious (bonus!).

Posted in My Art/Design/Business, Stuff, Tasty 'n' Delicious | 1 Comment »

People who are unnecessarily talented. Not fair.

Thursday, August 18th, 2011

First of all, a video that made me laugh for a solid five minutes. Anyone wonder what a horse race looks like inside my head? Well, wonder no more.

http://www.buzzfeed.com/chrismenning/typical-horse-racing-in-japan

Now, on to the talent portion of our competition. I like to think I have some skills in some areas. However, often I am shown that I am not awesome in any way, shape or form. I would like to share some videos of people making me feel useless right now.

1. Some Japanese men making mochi. Be sure to watch the bit between the pounder thing and the bare hands.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2HKnHnUk0S8&

2. This policeman riding a motorcycle all smooth-like around super-tight turns. You know how this would go for me? Get on motorcycle. Progress five feet forward. Fall over, most likely with the motorcycle on top of me. Moan until someone rescues me. The end.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pJxOsYh12yY&

3. And finally, the Nike basketball commercial from 2001. Damn. DAMN. It made me want to learn how to bounce that tangerine orb like a pro.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0kSmis2g3SI&

Posted in Random Art Bloggery, Stuff, Tasty 'n' Delicious, The Telly | No Comments »

What did you do this weekend? I had my appendix out. Funsies.

Monday, July 25th, 2011

Ah, I have a tale to tell. Spoiler alert: it ends with me having an tiny obsolete chunk of intestine chopped out of me and lots of bed rest.

Friday night I thought I had a gas bubble lodged in my bowel, so I took some Gas-X and went to bed. Later, I was woken up by a not-excruciating-but-damn-persistent pain in the same spot. Figuring it was still gas, I did some stretches and wiggles in the hopes to jar it loose. Four hours later, I couldn’t sit, I couldn’t lay down, I was pacing around because that was the only thing that helped. Being that it was 5:00 in the morning, the only place to go was the emergency room. I won’t lie: I was hoping it was something remotely serious, because nothing is lamer than going to the emergency room for gas cramps (“I have a boo-boo, meeeehhhhh!”). Since I was profoundly grumples about the pain (I may or may not have used uncouth language towards everybody), the nice lady put a needle port in my arm and gave me Dilaudid.

Ahhh, Dilaudid. Let’s talk about Dilaudid for a minute. It’s a derivative of morphine, and you know how people get addicted to opioids? Yeah, there’s a reason. The next time I watch “Intervention” and someone is addicted to Dilaudid, I’m gonna cut them a little slack, because, damn.*

Then I was wheeled to have an ultrasound, and as soon as the ultrasound lady pressed that thing down on my lower right side, I said through my gritted teeth, “PLEASE. PLEASE DON’T DO THAT.” She said, “Oh,” in a knowing way. And then jetsetter me was off to have a cat scan! Whee! Where they were clearly able to see my inflamed appendix and then I was scheduled for surgery. Did you know when you have surgery they strap you down with your arms out a la the death penalty? I did not.

Which, don’t get me wrong, is a good thing. Funny story about how my maternal grandparents met: my grandmother was assisting in a surgery on a young adult male getting his appendix out and, in the middle of surgery he sat up, completely drugged, insisted he needed to go now, and had to be wrassled back down. My grandma eventually married him. So I think strapping down members of my family during appendectomies is a good way to go. Apparently we get feisty and like to wander a bit.

After I ate lunch the next day and didn’t barf (I actually didn’t throw up at any point in this process, very strange) they tossed me out. Everyone at the hospital couldn’t be nicer; They offered me Percocet, which I politely declined in favor of Tylenol (don’t worry, you’re not going to see me selling my lady-wares or plasma on the streets for hard drugs any time soon, despite my newfound love for Dilaudid) and now I’m home feeling sorry for myself. And, since I know you’ve been on the edge of your seat, here’s the picture you’ve all been waiting for:

*Even though this is insanely vulgar, it gives you a vague idea of what it was like. Start from 6:48 so you get the plot, but the pertinent bit starts at 9:16: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tp5TeDVf1_Y

Posted in Stuff | 3 Comments »

Dollah dollah bills, y’all.

Friday, July 22nd, 2011

I have happened across a myriad of music about money lately for no reason in particular, just coincidence. These are the ones that I like.

1. “I Need A Dollar”. This song was recently used in a commercial and I immediately loved it. It’s deflated spirit but danceable underbeat reminded me of “Sixteen Tons”, another beloved song of mine.

2. “Money” by Pink Floyd. I have only recently been introduced to The Floyd (I know, I know) because I had always heard about how drug-infused their concerts were and I figured you needed to take copious amounts of LSD and pot to appreciate their music, so why bother? I now realize I was wrong, because they are rad, even when you are straight-edge.

3. “For the Love of Money”. This track is FUNKY. I always feel guilty boogie-ing to it because it’s got quite the grim message. It’s like gettin’ down with your bad self to “Luka”. This song is not for dancing. That being said, try to find a video of the O’Jays performing the song live. They do some fine choreography.

4. “Price Tag”. While the entirety of this song is charming, my favorite bit is a small chunk of the chorus. From about 1:13 to 1:17. If I hear this in my car, I’m singing with it, I don’t care who sees me.

5. “She Works Hard for the Money.” I love Donna Summer. One of the few tapes I had as a kid was her greatest hits album. Nothing sexier than a kid singing along with this and “Bad Girls” (beep beep, toot toot). However, this song is forever changed in my mind to Hank Azaria’s version from The Bird Cage. Forever. There’s no going back.

And additional monetary songs that I like but have not heard recently: Kanye’s “Gold Digger”, Cyndi Lauper’s “Money Changes Everything”, P. Diddy’s “It’s All the Benjamins – Rock Remix” (we listened to this all the time in college), and, of course, “If I Had a Million Dollars” by Barenaked Ladies. So sad they broke up. Sigh.

Posted in Music Videos, Stuff, Teh Intarwebz | No Comments »

The internet is a gift for which I am forever grateful.

Thursday, July 14th, 2011

1. I describe this cartoon to people all the time, because it is so very true.

2. Recently, I discovered this website, and now I cannot get any work done a’tall.

3. The internet has also kept me up-to-date on all things cute which is incredibly important to me. There’s a website called Must Have Cute that helps fill the gaping, almost-insatiable “adorbs” void inside of me.

Mustachio’d Pistachio.

A calendar where you draw a new line betwixt the dots every day. At the end of the month, you have a nice drawing.

The phattest kiddie pool ever. I won’t lie – I want it. I might even go outside during the day if I had one.

Measuring cups that make a robot when they’re all together.

And a variety of precious foodstuffs that warm my cold dead heart.

Posted in Stuff, Teh Intarwebz | No Comments »

Scales and feathers and sparkles, oh my.

Wednesday, June 15th, 2011

I don’t normally talk about fashion here because, frankly, I don’t normally care. I think 98% of fashion is boring. Oh, are dumb-looking scarves in this season? Great. That’s swell. I will continue to wear the same things I do every single day that I’ve worn for the last fifteen years (black stretchy pants, black t-shirt, black trouser socks, black shoes). But I happened to see an article on Emma Watson who is being featured in Vogue this month. I think she’s a classy broad so I clicked the link and lo and behold! Fashion awesomeness! Check it out.

In the first picture, she’s wearing pantyhose encrusted with rhinestones and other whatnot. While that would be unpleasant (I like to cross my legs and the rhinestones would be all kinds of digging into my leg meat) it looks fabu. And in the second picture – oh, I can’t even describe my glee. Plastic fish scales over a ombre-dyed base fabric, the scales being held in place with little rivet-things, and then a feathered collar to top it off? WANT. Which gets us to the point of why I wear the most mundane-looking clothing imaginable. In high school, I used to care a great deal about fashion. I pored over magazines trying to copy the looks I liked. Unfortunately for everyone around me, the looks I liked were never tasteful pantsuits or sweaters. They were always the plastic-fishscales-rhinestone-pantyhose variety of garb. So I would trundle off to high school wearing the most inane garments and wonder why people would make fun of me. At some point I realized two things: one, no one was ever going to take me seriously if I kept dressing in this way, and two: you have to be very thin and very tall to pull off a great many of the looks I was emulating, and I am neither. So I decided to simplify things I would just pare my clothing down to the easiest things I could think of and focus my attentions elsewhere. I won’t lie though: sometimes I miss dressing like an extra in Cirque du Soleil.

Posted in Advertising, Stuff | No Comments »

Birds of Prey Day.

Wednesday, June 8th, 2011

For weeks now I’ve been looking forward to going to Birds of Prey Day in Brewster, NY. It’s on a farm and the poster said there would be 100 birds of prey there! You know what that means: OWLS. I was so excited I didn’t know what to do with myself. Cricket and I drove up to Brewster (a 45-minute drive) and OMG I’M GONNA SEE A MILLION OWLS!!

Okay, so it was a bit of a letdown. There were indeed about 100 birds of prey, but they were mostly eagles and hawks and falcons. In fact, this was predominantly run by a falconer’s association, so people were walking around with scary killer birds on their arms like it was no big deal. There was this bird:

And this one:

And this and this and this and also this:

And this adorable baby goshawk who was soft and warm and precious:

And they’re beautiful, but I really dig owls. Owls are my bag, man. What I learned there is owls are not for having. If you’re a member of the falconer’s association (which I could never be because I live in an apartment and you need to have a falconer’s outdoor area which must be approved by the association) you can slowly (over seven years) work up the falconry ladder getting to bigger and more dangerous birds, but at no point can you have an owl. You cannot buy an owl. You cannot acquire an owl. There are no owls to be had. I was very forlorn. It seems my dream of owl ownership is slowly fading away.

But not all was lost! There was a wildlife rehabilitation group there and they had some owls! Granted, they didn’t have the ones I really wanted to see (Eastern Screech or Saw-Whet) but they had this lovely one that was trying to catch a bit of a snooze, I think it’s a Barred Owl:

And a grumpy-pants horned one who gave me some serious stink-eye.

I love how because their eyes work independently in a lot of ways (pupils dilate and contract, eyelids blink) it looks like there are two separate expressions on their faces.

The best owl experience of the day was a with a wee tiny fellow. He was a short-eared owl, and he was a seething tiny puffball of rage in a wooden holding thing. I asked the nice rehabilitator man if he could pull out the little guy for me so I could get a shot of him and he said, “No, and I’ll tell you why. That bird is new, he’s wild and he’s feisty. But I’ll take a picture of him if you’d like.” I handed him my camera, and the man walked up slowly to the box, snapped a photo as quickly as he could and pulled his hand out of there. I found it great that this large, six-foot-one man was wary of this itty-bitty tiny smootchie demon-beast. Here’s the photo.

Evil Death-Bird…of DEATH! And Cuteness! But mainly DEATH!

There was also a wolf at the Birds of Prey Day, and that was kind of exciting. The wolf handlers were really nervous about having the wolf be around so many kids, but I was psyched. “Wha…? There might be a mauling? I don’t want to miss that! Lemme get my funnel cake and I’ll be right there!” However, this was the most mellow wild animal I have ever seen in my life.

The wolf handler asked the audience if anyone had a really fragrant perfume or lotion and someone did, so she poured it on the ground, and the wolf rolled around in it. He does that to mask his scent from his prey. So now, before his prey is taken down, it will be wondering why the forest smells like Bath and Body Works.

Posted in Activitays, Nature, New York, Stuff | No Comments »

A bunch of stuff.

Tuesday, May 31st, 2011

1. I’ve seen some neat things in my travels around the city recently. Bryant Park is getting its annual overhaul (plants go here, skate rink goes into storage, lawn gets rolled out, etc.) In the area where they keep the lawn mowers and rakes, I noticed that it is guarded by a similiar owl to the one that hangs out at the Herald Square park near my job. Here’s the owl guarding my park at work:

And here’s the owl guarding the fertilizer and lawn chairs.

He’s right at eye level. I have ignored the bible’s teachings and thought about stealing this guy many a time. However, I suspect that he is bronze and therefore very heavy, and also getting arrested and going to Riker’s Island for attempted owl theft, then getting shoved in a cell with someone who has a stellar collection of human heads in their fridge, that does not appeal to me. So Mr. Owl gets to stay there…for now.

2. There’s a store on my route to work called Zara and they have these rad chrome ants in their window display. They’re big and they’re shiny and they’re awesome.

3. There’s this ad on the Metro-North for The Weather Channel that is just awful. First of all, the wording is ridiculous.

Here are the words on the ad:

At the Weather Channel,
we’re delivering more than just the weather.
We’re connecting people with their passions.
The ultimate-lifestyle-media brand,
on tv, online and on mobile…
connect here.

Okay, first of all, no. You can try to get all deep and whatnot, but you’re just there to tell me if it rains. That’s it. Sometimes the people in advertising take themselves waaaaaay to seriously. Yes rain? No rain? That’s is all there is. Stop it.

Second, that lady’s face is TERRIFYING. If you look long enough, it looks like she has a deformed mouth with two rows of teeth, like a freakin’ shark. Also, could she open her mouth a little wider? What is she doing, trying out for The Mummy movie? Here, look for yourself:

Posted in Advertising, New York, Stuff | No Comments »

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