Oh well, we gotta do this outer space job. Hey, what’s that signal? Something’s stuck on this dude’s face! Oh, now it’s not. Let’s have dinner. Punch through sternum. Scuttle across floor. Ruin mealtime. Everyone mills around looking mad nervous for what feels like a million years. Here kitty kitty kitty – HOLY CRAP! Who’s left? Now let’s mill around with a flame thrower for another million years. He dies. She dies. Everybody except Sigourney dies. Sigourney catches the stupid cat, they get on the pod (did anyone notice that a goodly portion of this film involves stuffing that cat into one or another tiny cage-like space? If I was that cat I would not volunteer for any more space missions) and AHHHHH Drooly Soggy Lizard Creature is napping over the console! Sigourney gets kinda nekkid. Then she puts on a space suit making THE MOST POSSIBLE NOISE EVER yet the alien is totally cool with this. She sucks him out the side of the escape pod, he snags a grappling hook and she revs up the engines and sautees him. The end.

Now, please realize I went about this all wrong. I’m old, this movie is old, I’ve seen a ton of movies that ripped this movie off therefore nothing in it is unique. All these things are errors on me. I like to think of this as the Elvis Situation. Elvis was the first of his kind to make his music and I think that’s great, but I don’t love his stuff. I respect how he was the first honky singing blues. And that’s how I feel about Alien. I respect its original awesomeness and all the doors it broke down, but it didn’t change my life in any integral way.

I’m psyched to see Prometheus, though.

I love going every year because there’s all this art there, the kind of art you see in modern art museums all over the world, and if you have piles and piles of money you can own some. It feels more alive than a museum because the art isn’t just sitting there – it’s changing hands. You can meet the gallery owners, the artists, the buyers, everyone. It’s exciting. There were two artists that were of particular interest to me. One was Jan Huling. I saw her work at the first SOFA I went to, I think it was 2006. She finds bits of what some people consider trash and she covers them with intricate seed bead patterns. I’ve always loved that idea, the idea of taking a variety of items that have little or no worth in themselves and through your hard work and skill, convert them into things of beauty and value. I am still a little sad that I didn’t buy one of her pieces at that first SOFA. It was a bird sculpture (she was really into birds then) on top of an ostrich egg with a happy little cricket waving a little paper hat. I adored it but it was around $4,000 and I simply don’t have that kind of money. Probably the most expensive art I have in my house was around $600 and I struggled with that, so four grand wasn’t going to happen. Every time I see her work, though, I get a little pang for my bird-with-ostrich-egg piece. Sigh. I found some pieces that are similar so you get an idea.

She, as with all good artists, has expanded her horizon and now she’s moved on from birds and smaller pieces to larger pieces. Jan has also now incorporated medallions and leaves more negative space. I was super-excited to see that she had three pieces for sale at SOFA and two of them had red dots on their name plaques (meaning they were sold). The two sold pieces was this really big monkey:

And this awesome cobra that I totally would have loved to have in my house.

I’ve said it before, but I’ll say it again: I love it when artists I love are successful. It warms the cockles of my heart. And I’ve been watching Jan’s work for a while now, so it’s wonderful to see her pieces getting appreciated more and more each year.

The other artist that really caught my eye was a woman called Shayna Leib. I’m a sucker for glass, so it’s no surprise I fell in love with her work. They look like swirly ocean grasses expanding out of boxes. Here’s one to give you an idea.

On her website she explains her process. Apparently she makes cane, usually opaque color inside, transparent color on the outside. She does it with an assistant because they stretch the glass over fifty feet. Thirty feet of it is usable, not to thick, not too thin. Shayna then cuts in into a variety of lengths, but the pieces are all stick-straight, so she warms them up (really warm, glass needs to be hot), so they bend over metal curved shapes, and when they’re cool, she very slowly assembles them from one corner to another inside the frames so they flow and wave. They really don’t work very well in photographs. In person, they take your breath away. I found some closeups to help illustrate the incredible-ness.

There was a piece like the one above that I would have loved to own but it was 1) sold, and 2) $53,000. FIFTY-THREE THOUSAND DOLLARS. I do not have fifty-three thousand dollars, but if I owned an office building I would put one of her pieces in the entrance hall to greet everyone every day because they are magical. I would feel bad if it was in my house and only me and my familiars got to enjoy it. You see something new every time.

Lately I’ve been digging into the treasure trove of Netflix streaming movies. I think Netflix thinks I’m an arty pervert, because it recommended two films that I have a lot of problems with: Sleeping Beauty and Dogtooth. Sleeping Beauty came out about a year ago and it is about an Australian young woman who needs money so she does some medical tests, and waitresses, and possibly prostitutes herself a little bit. Then she gets a job doing table service in her underpanties with other women, also in very exposing scanty garb. I found a picture and put modesty hearts over all the nipple-age. The lead’s the one in white.

They serve these old people dinner and then two of the women get naked and pretend to be andirons at the fireplace, it’s so very weird and S&M-y and not very sexy at all. Then she signs up to drink this tea that makes her fall asleep and old men can lay naked with her, no penetration, but they can snuggle and she won’t remember any of it. What the…? Seriously, that’s the film. A bunch of other stuff happens and it ends, but nothing is resolved and it doesn’t really matter. I cannot fathom how this film got made. It’s so art-house-y and pointless. You know a film is bleh when it’s got sex-n-nudity in it and you’re not even slightly titillated. Which leads me into my second film recommended by Netflix called Dogtooth. I’m not even going to try and explain it. Watch the preview.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QFtDzK64-pk

What a fat hairy pile of WTF that movie was. Oh, did I mention there’s a super-creepy and depressing sex scene in it? It’s a bonus! That’s probably how it got that “No one 18 and under admitted.” If it was me, I’d insist people 18 and under go see it. It would certainly cut down on teenage pregnancy. I hate you, Netflix. From now on, I’m only watching movies made by Michael Bay, with big shiny explosions.

Happy dancing stormtroopers! Get down witcho’ bad selves!

Okay, costume. I hemmed the skirt that Snorth made for me (thank you, Snorth) and painted it brown and more brown and gold. Then I covered it with wee magenta dots so it would somewhat match the jacket bit. It’s okay that the magenta dots aren’t exactly the same because the skirt and jacket will be covered by a plethora of sea beasts. I took one picture with flash and one picture with natural light. Neither one is completely accurate, but it definitely gives you an idea.

I trimmed the jacket sleeves and the back panel and added all kinds of froofy-foo. Seaweed, glass beads, some fabric paint and some green sequins. I’d like you to note that nowhere am I using any crystal. No crystal beads and no rhinestones. There’s a reason for that, it’s very simple. The reason why is once you encrust something in rhinestones, it immediately becomes awesome. Anything. See image below.

What do we have here: a tape dispenser, a toilet, a wee bottle of Vaseline? You get my point. So in order to make this a challenge for myself I decided no crystal of any kind, and no precious stones. Some glass, mostly plastic, a lot of fabric. It’s a challenge for me because it’s out of my comfort zone, but I like that. I’m attempting to do that famous quote:

“Do one thing every day that scares you.”
– Eleanor Roosevelt

So, yeah, sleeves. I tried to find alternative ways to make it spectacular without being bejeweled. I also took pictures of the sleeves with and without flash to give you a better understanding of the look I’m going for.

And finally, tube worms! Who doesn’t like a good tube worm? Bad people, that’s who. These guys are going on my hat with the sea anemone. The ugly bases will be covered by kelp and whatnot. Maybe some mussels if I have the time.

I still have a million things to do (the giant crab that goes on my hip isn’t going to make itself) but I feel like I’m getting somewhere. I can see the finished product a little bit better in my head now.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ypgXMcQNpdM

I was wandering around the internet and I saw The Most Amazing Cake Ever™. Seriously, look at this thing and tell me otherwise.

I did some research and found out it is from the Atlanta, GA shop Highland Bakery. I’m thinking of setting up a road trip because, damn. Check out their other cakes and you’ll see what I mean.

I bet those cakes are mad tasty too, but I’m just blown away by the artistic skill. They could taste like sand and ash and I would eat them solely to have some of that amazing art in mah belleh.

http://highlandbakery.com/

Addendum: OMG there are two new cakes posted on Highland Bakery’s Flickr stream. I… I have no words for the bunny cake. Gloriousness.

1. I was checking out on Amazon the other day and there was this:

For some reason I felt a bit violated. Hey Amazon, I don’t know what you think of my prudent caves but I would appreciate you keeping your thoughts to yourself thankssomuch.

2. There’s a wonderful website called KnockingOff.com, with pictures of – you guessed it – knockoffs. Here are a few of my favorites.

And this one is my favorite, specifically because a friend of mine, JR, went to Taiwan in 1998 or 1999 and when he returned he regaled me with tales of Engrish littering the streets. One was adidas, but spelled with an lower-case L instead of an I. To this day I still call it adldas. The other was the brand Puma, but with the letters rearranged to spell Pmua. I also still call them Pmua. And lo, a photo of it, bringing back warm college memories:

PMUA!!

3. If you are unfamiliar with InBread Cats, you should familiarize yourself, because it is delightful.

4. In keeping with the cat theme, I really enjoy this Gatonovela.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZXCSvq1htfg&

2. Have you guys heard of the website FourFour? It’s a blog I’ve been reading for a few years, written by a guy named Rich. He is most famous for his America’s Next Top Model reviews, his music reviews, his deep love of all things tacky and campy, and Winston. Winston is Rich’s cat. He is a smoosh-faced gray-colored little fella, and he is weird. Perhaps a bit simple. But, asides from looking perpetually grumpled and have a fierce need to protect the banana bowl in Rich’s kitchen, he is quite amenable to getting costumes put on him, so Rich dresses him every Halloween. And I look forward to it every Halloween because it is glorious. Here’s Winston as a baby.

Here’s Winston being Winston.

Here is Winston in various costumes for various holidays.

And here is what I consider to be possibly the greatest photo of anything ever. It’s Winston as the giant worm from Dune.

THE BEST PHOTO EVER. Every time I see it I laugh until I tinkle a little bit.

He has his own Twitter thingie, so you can follow him @winstonbananas.

3. Recently we had a pitch where we were appealing to a young-adult clothing manufacturer and I made our typical response to questions (normally a book) as an iPad app, which was daunting but really fun. I got complete free reign on how to design it, and I really think it turned out great. Here are a bunch of pages. I blurred out stuff that I don’t think should be circulating on the internet, please don’t be thinking there’s just smudgy info on pages.

Oh Long John:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9LBKVXyrHcw

How To Give Your Cat A Bath (“Nooooooooooo!”):

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xKeggpbVybc

Displeased Dutch Goat:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pJQGuWTtTD4&

Jerry Lewis Goat:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bwy1qGdQ424

Argumentative Spanish Goat:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P7Ve-LGPdtY

Whistle-Howling Tiny Puppy:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lHAshi4vdbg

And this isn’t exactly a talking animal video, but I’d like to think this is what they would sound like if they could talk, and it’s also appropriate for the season, so here we are:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=iv&v=8-0WVfj76bo

http://www.girlzlyfe.com/

It says “Girl’z Lyfe” (that spelling gives me agita as well, it’s not just you) but it has cool things for both sexes. And they carry a lot of Fred and Friends products, which I love.

http://www.shanalogic.com/

Shana Logic does skew a bit more girly and tweeny, but they have all handmade things and their selection changes fairly regularly.

http://www.shopplasticland.com/

And there’s PlasticLand. They focus mainly on vintage fashion, but PlasticLand also has quite the selection of Fred and Friends as well as other curiosities for your home and self. Check out the rad old-style ornaments.

In addition, there’s a woman I once met who made the best truffles – really creative flavor choices. She has since made her order quantities much higher (when I first bought from her you could get 30 truffles, now the smallest order you can place is 120 truffles). However, her work is impeccable and I highly recommend asking for the “Vinie” truffle, which is pink peppercorn and dark chocolate. Maybe buy 120 and split them up, then distribute them to a variety of people.

http://7to3chocolates.com/

And don’t forget, there’s always Etsy (here’s my review of a few stand-out shops) and the stores in your town/village/city/floating island. Also, if you come to Manhattan, there’s a holiday fair in Grand Central and one right nearby in Bryant Park, and then there’s ones in Union Square, Columbus Circle, and St. Bartholomew’s at 50th Street and Park Ave. Lots of small business and handmade art at all of those.

Happy Thanksgiving!

http://www.bugcomic.com/

Here are some ones that make me especially happy.

2. A friend of mine came into the city from out of town and went to KidRobot because she had a coupon. She bought some Dunnies, one of which was an avocado. I own about six or seven of them, but once I saw the avocado one, the FIRE was LIT within me once again and I had to have more Dunnies (specifically the avocado one). A Dunny, in case you don’t know, is a bunny/humanoid-shaped figurine, often made of vinyl. Its natural state is plain white, so artists are commissioned to make designs that go on them. Those are semi-mass-produced, and then artsy folk such as myself can collect them and have wee 3″ sculptures all over our respective homes and/or workplaces. I went on Amazon and, sure enough, they had the one I wanted, but you can’t get just one Dunny, can you? (Answer: No, you cannot.) End of story: I now have nine new Dunnies coming in the mail. If I keep going at this rate, when I die my phenomenal clutter will AWE THE MASSES.

3. As you may know, I work in the sparkly district of Manahattan. Not the diamond district (47th Street between 5th and 6th Avenues), the rhinestone and costume jewelry district (peppered on 6th Avenue between 27th and 37th Street). And let me tell you, things get GAUDY. For example, even though I walk past these glittering treasures and become immune to them, from time to time something leaps out and accosts my eyeballs in a manner that I cannot ignore. Like this necklace.

Once again, WHO WEARS THIS?? It looks uncomfortable and stabby, and I don’t think it would lay right on a woman’s decolletage, all pointing out at different angles and whatnot. Not good. But it was positively glorious next to the newest addition to this window.

That’s right – wacky phones from Spencer’s Gifts completely bedazzled in high-end rhinestones. I don’t even know where to start. First of all, they’re crappy plastic phones that are now weighed down with small chunks of glass, so if they were going to break before, they’re definitely going to now. Also, when you hold them up to your face for a long time, the rhinestones are going to leave dents on your hands and face. Pretty! Then you’re gonna leave sweaty hand-and-face debris all over them, and you know how easy it is to clean something that is rhinestone-covered with a rag or paper towel. I must have stood in front of this window for a solid minute, jaw agape. You really need to imagine this window as the morning sun hits it, blinding the crap out of all the passersby. Sometimes I think these stores are just fronts for the mob, because who has this in their house? I have no idea how these stores stay in business. None.

I had an amazing time, I saw an astonishing variety of animals and it was generally fantastic. I’m going to start blogging about it tomorrow once I’ve sifted through the over 1,000 photos that were tookened. In the meantime, please enjoy this video of a hartebeest plowing into a bicyclist while he rides around in the bush:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S2oymHHyV1M&