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1. OMG, why is every other commercial for perfume? Perfume is a SMELL. You cannot smell anything on the talking picture box. So far, what I have learned is that if I buy perfume, I will smell like a non-smiling twenty-something lady model, or possibly Elizabeth Taylor, or a horse. Which is to say, I have no freakin’ idea what your perfume smells like, so quit it with the stupid commercials.

Actually, that’s not true. Mariah Carey has a commercial for her perfume, which has butterflies and rainbows on it. I can tell exactly what her perfume smells like. It smells like a girl. A girl who revels in the stupid stereotypes that are associated with women. Like this. Or this. If it wasn’t for her version of “O Holy Night” I would dislike everything about her.

2. Has anyone seen the trailer for the new Clint Eastwood movie? Where he says, “Get off of my lawn,” to a bunch of hooligans? How GREAT is that!?! Clint is an old gruff dude and he’s totally embracing that. I think he needs to incorporate more oldisms into all his movies. But not in a Grumpy Old Men way. Those films were appalling. The only way I think it would be alright would be if Clint said something stupid like, “I got coupons for the Stop and Shop!” but then he riddles someone with bullets. Then it’s okay.

1. Sean John/Diddy has a new perfume out and it’s called “I Am King”. I have low self-esteem and now I think I know where it all went. Piffy Puffy Poofy got it all, and maybe someone else’s as well. Goodness gracious, that’s a lot of narcissism.

2. While watching the Christmas commercial for Victoria’s Secret, I realized Heidi Klum can have twenty-seven kids and a stroke and she would still be the hottest woman in the whole freakin’ world. Heidi is HOTT, all caps, two “t”s.

3. Just saw a commercial for Jim Carrey’s new movie Yes Man. I don’t really want to see it, but there’s a scene where Jim goes to a Harry Potter costume party and for a split-second someone wearing a Dobby mask walks through the shot. Frankly, that’s kind of awesome. Now I think I’m going to have to see it. Oh, and I just watched the preview… yeah, I’m going to have to see it. Expect a review eventually.

4. Have you seen the recent Campbell’s/Progresso soup ads? SO MUCH DRAMA. Soup commercials used to be, “Our soup is delicious! Try it!” Now it’s like the east coast/west coast rap wars.

“7 out of 10 people prefer our soup!”
“No, they don’t, they prefer ours!”
“Your soup tastes crappy!”
“Well, your soup has msg!”
“Your mother has msg!”
“Oh, kiss my soupy-”
*bang bang bang*

People, it’s SOUP. It’s a wet version of “real” food. Build a bridge and get over it.

Sorry about the lackadaisical blogging lately. You know, for an economy in crisis, I have had more work than ever. There was the annual meeting on Wednesday, and the CEO wanted pictures of everyone in the agency for a slide show while people were entering the auditorium. Guess who had to go take pictures of everyone, therefore sealing my fate as the most-disliked person in the agency? That would be me. Because I felt so guilty for taking everyone’s picture, I then spent hours and hours photoshopping everyone - taking out zits and red eye and bags under said red eyes, etc. Never mind the regular work I had to do. It was tiring, to say the least. But the meeting went smashingly and that’s what really matters to me. Yay, Team Presentations!

Before the mega-workathon began, I got to see a preview showing of Milk, with Emile Hirsch, Josh Brolin, James Franco, Allison Pill and Gus Van Sant in a Q-and-A afterward. Let’s start with an overall review: Good film. Not the best film I’ve ever seen (that would be Shawshank Redemption), but damn good. I’m forlorn because now Sean Penn is going to get Best Actor at the Oscars for his stellar performance as Harvey Milk. I really wanted Frank Langella to get Best Actor for Frost/Nixon. I haven’t seen the film yet, but I saw the play that the movie is taken directly from, same title actors, and Frank was KILLER. Super-awesome. And now he’s not going to get it. Sniff, whimper. The plot seems overly dramatic, but I found out later that all the things I thought were smudged by the director to make the story more interesting were true. Like Harvey Milk’s lover killing himself in an elaborate way the night before he was elected to office. And the way (*MAJOR SPOILER that you should know about anyway because this is a historical event that happened thirty years ago, but I’m giving you a heads-up out of courtesy*) Dan White kills Harvey Milk, and then blames it on Twinkies. Twinkies made him kill. For reals, people. Can’t make that stuff up. Also, I thought I had a vague grasp on the homosexual scene in America, and I was wrong. I had no idea that in my lifetime, a law was passed in some states that made it completely acceptable to not hire someone, or to deny someone the right to live in your area because they were gay. And if you were a teacher and openly gay, you could be fired. And if you supported an openly gay teacher, you could be fired. I was shocked. I thought outright prejudice against gays was like, a dusty ancient black-and-white-photos thing, not something that was happening fairly recently. It really threw me. And in San Francisco, a place I thought that was one of the most welcoming cities towards gays. Shocking.
Two interesting side notes: One, Emile Hirsch recently starred in a movie called Into The Wild, produced by Sean Penn, and now he’s starring in a film with Sean Penn as an actor. When asked how that was for him, Emile said, “It’s difficult playing a game with your coach,” which I thought was a cool way of putting it. And James Franco, when asked what it was like to kiss Sean Penn, said, “You get another man’s 1970s mustache in your mouth. And I couldn’t stop thinking, ‘Hey, I’m kissing Spicoli!” I thought that was hysterical.

If you don’t get the Spicoli reference, you should rent Fast Times at Ridgemont High. It is a classic American film, and even if you don’t like the film, it’s referenced all the time in popular culture, so you’ll be more “hip”.

Addendum on December 15th: I was watching Reelz Channel today, and they were saying Mickey Rourke might get Best Actor for a film called The Wrestler. What the hell is this? People just be comin’ out of the woodwork with nominations. FRANK OR SEAN. That’s it.

One of the reasons I took the job at Publicis is because it is in Herald Square directly across from Macy’s, which makes it ideal for watching the Annual Thanksgiving Day Parade. I have always wanted to see the parade, so I have been planning my seating situation for months now. I scoped out the best seats, I bribed people, I had to sell a kidney, but it all worked out. Aside from the “waking up at 6:00 a.m. when it’s still dark out” part, it was pretty awesome.

Mom came with me, which was lovely. We got there before the parade began, so we got to watch the cheerleaders who open the show practice their routine.

Before we really get into this, let me tell you how annoying that tree was. See it? The last tree in New York with leaves on it? The one blocking half my view? I hate that tree. I hate it with a white-hot hate. Stupid crappy tree.

So the cheerleaders did their thing and shook their red sparkly pompoms and Meredith Viera and Matt Lauer went into their booth, and then… I spent the rest of the parade guessing what was happening. I can’t tell you how important the newscasters are to the parade-watching process. You really spend a great deal of time not knowing what is going on and why. Luckily, I am a massive Broadway nerd, so I could immediately figure out all of the Broadway shows (The Heights, White Christmas, The Little Mermaid, South Pacific) but since most of the floats were partially cut off by the STUPID TREE, I was flummoxed by many of the activities below. I totally missed the best float:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wL-hNMJvcyI

I love Foster’s Home For Imaginary Friends, and the parade being rickrolled? Missed that too. So sad. *mimics tear running down cheek*

The Rockettes welcomed the parade to Herald Square. Their precision reminded me of Lipizanner horses, those Viennese precision horses that do perfect maneuvers in arenas. I’ve seen them three or four times. Here’s a link:

http://www.lipizzaner.com/home.asp

There are two things you can count on when you see the Lipizanners: one, they will be in perfect formation and two, some of the horses will take massive dumps while performing. The Rockettes did well on #1, but no #2. Literally and figuratively.

Then the cops came in with their motorcycles a-flashin’ and it was all very exciting, except that the Rockettes (who you can see lined up there) split in half and did a Heil Hitler thing to welcome the cops in, which was flat-out creepy.

Frankly, there was a great deal there that reminded me of World War II. If you watched a great deal of PBS or, later on when cable came to your house, The Hitlery Channel, you saw a great deal of people in large groups marching in precision. So every time a band turned down the street, I felt like the next thing I would hear would be, “The Allied Forces realized that they would need the full power of their combined armies to blah blah blabity blah…”

The view we had was ideal for watching balloons come by. We could see them for a good ten minutes. I was thrilled to see some of my childhood standards make their way by. I will say I definitely got a little misty-eyed when Kermit came by. I gots a big ole soft spot for Jim Henson.

I also got some pictures of the odd float here and there. I tried to figure out who was performing on what float. I deduced Idina Menzel was performing on one float because I could tell by her voice wafting up to the window (she’s a Broadway performer and was in one of my favorite shows Wicked, so I can recognize her voice very quickly), but other than that, I was pretty lost. There was a male country singer, some teeny-boppers and a Native American performer.

I knew Miley Cyrus would be singing on a float, and when I saw this big stone rhino coming down the street with people rock-climbing and scaling it and then heard a woman singing on it (I couldn’t see her, of course, because of the STUPID TREE AAAARGH). I assumed it was Miley, and then I tried to guess what the stone rhino represented.

The best thing I could come up with is the stone rhino represents her strong Christian values and will to keep her virginity, and the people scaling the rhino are the bad influences trying to break her down, but no, her stone rhino will stay intact until marriage. As represented by a float in the parade. Probably not. I couldn’t think of anything better. Then I saw this float and thought that maybe Miley was on this float, because it was super-girlie-looking:

And maybe she was. I still don’t know what float she was on, and frankly I don’t care. I REALLY want it to be the stone rhino, and I REALLY want the stone rhino to represent her maidenhead, but I’m guessing I’m wrong on both counts and that’s fine.

It was nice to see some staples that I’ve been seeing since I was a wee tot, like the turkey that blinks and looks totally demented, and the Macy’s balloon that looks like… a balloon (revolutionary!) and the sparkly gold Macy’s stars.

My favorite moment was when Alvin Ailey Dance Group performed the piece I like best choreographed by him, Wade In The Water:

And were followed by a Keith Haring balloon. Awesome moment. Awesome.

I’m sure there was a ton I missed, because both Mom and I were falling asleep by 10:45. We collected ourselves and headed home by 11:30, so we missed Santa coming into Herald Square, but maybe I’ll do this again next year and then I’ll see Santa.

Everyone’s talking about this new MTV site that supposedly has all the videos they’ve aired, ever. Which, I am sad to say, is untrue. So I’ve made a short list of some of my favorite videos that I want to share here. There will probably be several posts like this, because I always feel like I’m forgetting something, and I probably am. But we’ll start with these.

Gnarls Barkley “Crazy”
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bd2B6SjMh_w
Does this really need an explanation? It’s a Rorschach test using light and dark to carve the artist’s faces out of the ink. And bugs and spiders. And a skull. That too. Gorgeous video. I actually sat down in awe when I saw it the first time.

Kanye West “The Good Life”
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=su_zrW9WBVk
I wish I had worked on this video. I would have loved - LOVED - to do the animation. Also, so considerate for the deaf. Pretty much everything that is said is spelled out. Kanye is thinking of the aurally challenged, how sweet. He’s not the self-centered meanie-head everyone says he is.

Coldplay “The Scientist”
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V3Kd7IGPyeg
I don’t much care one way or the other about Coldplay’s music, but to have to learn your own lyrics backwards, wow, that must be hard. I like the video because it reminded me of one of my favorite movies, Memento. Very clean and emotional and stark.

First of all, I would like to apologize to B. because he hates this whole meme. I am sorry.

Eight years ago, the “Wassup?” commercial came out. I thought it was very funny the first couple times I saw it. Then there were those damn animated aliens doing it, and it was in “Scary Movie” and all of America including me was sick of it. Sick, I tell you. I never wanted to hear “wassup” ever again. Here is the commercial, which I recommend you watch right now, because it will make the next part even more betterer.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L38wthA4Ld0

Great. Now that that has brought back eight million irritating memories, check out what I saw last week. It brings such mirth to my life, I can’t even stand it.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qq8Uc5BFogE&NR=1

I haven’t laughed that hard in a long, long time. Don’t forget to vote on Tuesday.

1. Holly Madison left Hugh Hefner as his primary concubine because he is unable to make babies and she wants babies. DUDE. He’s OLD. His spermies are dusty and brittle. They’re like that blanket up in your grandmother’s attic. If you move it and bend it too much, POOF! it turns into a powder due to dry rot. Like a certain person’s little flagellators. Also, what was she, like 30? She’s past her Playboy prime. It’s about that time for Hef to get a set of shiny new jiggly gigglers. Which he has done. 19-year-old identical twins, no less. Delightful.

2. Head’s up to the two homeless twenty-somethings I pass on my way to work: Perhaps if you had not spent your money to get unattractive tattoos all over your face, thus preventing you from working in many fine establishments around the country, you might not have to be panhandling. Just a little fiscal wisdom from your Auntie Jessica.

3. Nothing warms the cockles of my heart more than walking to work with big displays of dismembered heads and screaming skulls. I truly dislike Halloween sometimes. Patton Oswalt, one of my most favoritest comedians ever, summed up what it was like when I lived at home with my parents in True Suburbia (fast-forward to 3:10):

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GFI9siGOT7s

That sums it up perfectly. Really.

I work in advertising and I watch an inordinate amount of TV, so even though I have TiVo, I still end up watching many commercials. I would like to comment on two of them that have recently caught my eye.

1. Subway Sandwiches, please stop referring to your subs as “yum rockets”. That’s not hip lingo, it’s vaguely pornographic and nauseating and it makes the viewer want to eat at Quizno’s. Thank you.

2. Pantene, a six-step routine to make your hair voluminous is not “easy”. It takes like, an hour for me to do all the things Maria Menounos recommends. Would you like to hear my hair styling tips? I wash my hair with shampoo and conditioner, towel-dry… that’s it. There’s some brushing in there too, but that takes maybe fifteen seconds. No root-spritzing, no curlers, no blow-drying in sections. Maria, call me, I’ll tell you all about the real meaning of easy. Wait, that didn’t come out right.

1. Has anyone been watching the new show on Fox, Fringe? Does it not suck seven ways to Sunday? The dialogue, it’s so bad. You can hear the writers scrunch up their eyes and ball up their fists and say, “We’re as witty as House and as spooky and edgy as The X Files, oh yes we are!” It’s on after House, so I’ll probably watch it again, but I’m only giving it one more chance. If it continues to blow, I’m going to… well, I’m going to watch something else. Yes. That didn’t sound as dramatic as I hoped it would.

2. I made a bracelet. Let’s all look at it, shall we?

It’s an acorn and two partridges with eggs in ‘em. I think it turned out well. I have to redo the chain parts, one side is too long and one side is too short, so I’m going to go all Goldilocks on it and get it just right.

This commercial causes me to crack up every time. Especially at 21 seconds.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XmD7joJNE0c