“The ammonia that got released when they cleaned the poop mountain…killed him.”

Oh my God, Jan, NO, that’s not why the cat died. The jostling of Poop Mountain didn’t cause the cat to get a rattle in his throat and then bite it in the middle of the road. Your perpetually gross house for the last five years killed him. Maybe the stove completely covered in cat dingleberries finished him off, it would certainly finish me off. You know, my parents, being perpetually optimistic, wanted me to consider becoming a therapist when I was younger and I was like, No. I have no compassion. If I was in a situation like this with Jan I would be all screamy in her face about the nasty-ass living conditions she was rockin’.

2. I finished Battlestar Galactica today! What a weird ending. It’s about a war and the race of humans getting decimated, so it’s not really upbeat, but around the middle of Season 3 it gets REALLY dark. Like, everybody dies. It reminded me of Les Miserables the musical. That’s my go-to for depressing, everyone-dies media. Practically all the characters in that damn show kick the bucket and they make you watch each and every one. We got one with consumption, a bunch of people getting shot with muskets, one throwing himself off a bridge, anything you want. There’s a whole song devoted to stealing trinkets off bodies littering the battlefield, for God’s sake. It’s a grim show. Here’s a picture of the closing number.

Battlestar Galactica reminded me of that. There’s getting shot, shooting oneself, dying of cancer, explosions, poisoning, getting sucked into outer space (which apparently will kill you), and general ennui and tears and excessive drinking and lashing out from just about everyone. Then, you get to the last episode and poof! semi-happiness. It was a bit of a shock to the system. I can understand why people didn’t care for the end (see here and here). Here’s a bit of a spoiler, so head’s up: If you tidily wrap up a four-season show and all its convoluted loose ends with the concept “Because God says so,” you suck. Did we learn nothing from Lost, people*?

3. I listen to the podcast The Nerdist and they mentioned the show Damages and how good it is, so I started watching it. I’ve only seen the pilot but woo boy, is that good television. First of all, Glenn Close is the bomb, that goes without saying. I’ve loved her since Dangerous Liaisons. And the writing is nice and tense. It’s like Law and Order with balls. It’s streaming on Netflix, so get on that.

* I didn’t watch Lost, but I do work with many people who did and when the show ended with everyone in the cast going to heaven or whatever, I had to listen to so, so very much bitching the next day at the office. Angry, angry viewers.

1. I went to Madison Square Garden yesterday for my Annual Pilgrimage To See The Doggies (also known as 136th Annual Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show). It was not so good. I mean, the dogs were amazing, but I think they’re redoing parts of Madison Square Garden so the show was all jacked up. How it normally works is there are seven rings in the arena, and then in the backstage area there is something called the benching area where you can meet the dogs and pet them, etc. There are rows which have hanging signs like a supermarket, with the names of the breeds in that row. Yesterday there were only five rings in the arena and if you wanted to see the toy breeds you had to walk aaaaaaaaalll the way to the other side of Madison Square Garden to the theater. And the benching area was not organized at all. All the handlers/groomers were set up all over the place and there were traffic jams everywhere, so bad that the people competing had to carry their dogs over their heads and beg to pass through. But next year I hear they’re holding Westminster in a pier in Chelsea, which hopefully will be big enough. I took some pics this year, check ‘em out:

Sometimes, if you’re a particularly awesome Cardigan Welsh Corgi, you sit up on your butt and wait patiently for snacks after competing.

A Grunewald, also known as the Belgian Sheepdog. This is a favorite of mine. It’s terrifying-looking in person, like someone ripped a piece out of the night sky and wrapped it around a wolf. I’m always psyched to see them.

A Pembroke Welsh Corgi getting brushed before entering the ring.

A poodle gettin’ its hair did.

It can be hard work.

And I bumped into Martha while I was there.

At no point did I call her out for her BS “simple ‘n’ easy” gravy recipe because I didn’t want to make a scene in front of the doggies, but if I ever get her alone in an alley it’s on.

2. What the hell?!?? Look at what visited the Buzzfeed office today:

We never get to hang out with mini-horses at work! I went all Veruca Salt on the HR department as soon as I saw these (“I want a pony, Mummy! I want a pony now!” *foot stomp*) and they promised to rectify this atrocious oversight by next Valentine’s Day. I recommended a basket of puppies. We’ll see how it goes.

And two, the expression Pee-Wee makes when he is forced to carry snakes out of a burning pet store:

The second thing I’ve been watching is Battlestar Galactica (the new one from 2005, not the older one from the late 70s). I normally don’t care for science fiction, but this isn’t really a show about science fiction. It’s more a show about struggling to survive all alone while something you barely understand tries to annihilate you, which makes it an inherently interesting premise. I have a couple of thoughts about the show.

1. If everyone is wearing the same uniform, maybe you should not hire four handsome strong-jawed chestnut-haired men to play four different roles. I keep getting them confused. If you know the show, it’s Chief  Tyrol, Helo, Hot Dog and sometimes Apollo if the camera is zippin’ around enough. What, are there no Aryan Nazi-looking guys in the future? No Anthony Michael Hall-lookin’ folks? That is unfortunate.

2. Does anyone else find the theme song unbearable? I think it reminds me of that damn Sarah McLachlan song they use in all the ASPCA commercials, and I have been trained Pavlov’s-dog-style to hear that “Angel” song and immediately get sad about all the doggies and kitties with their woeful eyes. Gotta say I love all the drumming and didgeridoo-ing in the background of the battle scenes, very tension-filled and exciting.

3. It’s hard to take the mechanical-looking Cylons seriously when they have Knight Rider woosh-woosh red lights on their faces. I always hear Kit saying “Michael” over and over when I see them. That being said, their fingers that just pop out all blade-like are super-rad and I want them. If I was a Cylon who looked like a human (spoiler but not really because that is the premise of the show and is revealed in the first episode) I would insist on keeping the long stabby magic metal fingers.

4. Lieutenant Starbuck is BAD-ASS. That is all I have to say about that.

5. I say “fracking this” and “fracking that” all the time now. It really is brilliant, substituting “frack” for the other f-word. It sounds similar enough that gets the point across beautifully and no one at the FCC can nail you for cursing because technically, you’re not. Between me saying “frack” from Battlestar Galactica and “gorram” from Firefly, I am getting too nerdy for words.

Everyone says that it gets really crappy halfway through Season Three, so I’m bracing myself for that. However, I’m presently in the middle of Season Two and everything’s great, so I prefer to not think about the lameness to come.

*You will know it has happened by the “shluuuurrrrrp” sound, followed everyone putting their heads down on the table and falling asleep.

Addendum on 2/15/12: Now at the middle of Season 3. It did get kinda dumb. But now I have to watch until the end because that’s what I have to do. Ehhh.

2. Eels! Specifically moray eels. They give me the heebie-jeebies because their mouths extend too far back, or maybe their eyes are too far forward and close to their nose, one of the two. I was watching a special on them recently and thought they had reached maximum creepitude but I was incorrect. Scientists were wondering how the moray eel pulled its food into its mouth and throat, and through careful scientific study it was discovered that the eels have a second set of jaws that pop out, grab the food and drag it inside which, I don’t know about you, is one of the most horrifying things I have ever heard. Want to see some video of it? Think carefully before you answer that.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Rv2DkzOPBXw

Guhhhhhhhhh.

3. In honor of ten years of dating, I forced Cricket to express his love for me through a sparkly object I can wear on my hand. I love this ring. It’s big, it’s old, the stone is an antique cut, it’s platinum, and it’s got rubies (my birthstone) all around the edge set in gold. The first few weeks I had it I couldn’t stop looking at it, so my co-workers nicknamed me Gollum. And when we moved to our new offices this last week, A small Gollum figurine managed to make its way onto my desk. I took a picture of my ring with Gollum holding it. It just seemed right.

AAAAAAHHHHHHH.

“One day I opened the fridge to get some butter, and when I opened the butter container there was a dead dried-out squirrel, with his teeth all bared, looking at me. After that I no longer ate at at home.”

AAAAAAHHHHHHH.

There was also something about eating bugs in there, but I didn’t quite catch it. I assume it would have made me go AAAAAAHHHHHHH as well. I think this also the only episode I can think of where they recommended that Lisa go into a home. She was too damaged to ever recover, which is unfortunate. She seemed like before the decades of belittlement and abuse she was a real cool lady.

2. My neighbor K. recommended I start watching True Blood, and holy batpoop where has this been all my life? It’s sweaty Southern trash with smokin’ hot people workin’ out their problems, and oh, did I mention there’s vampires? Who are also hot and sweaty and Southern? It’s like the best soft core porn that ever was and ever will be. It’s cheesy and it ain’t apologizin’. LOVE IT. Except in the opening credits where the dead fox decomposes filmed with sped-up film, with the all maggots and whatnot. Other than that, great. Also (bonus), “Milton”/”The Boss from NewsRadio” is in season one and he’s a vampire who hooks up with another dude while “Eternal Flame” by the Bangles plays in the background. MAGIC, I tell you.

http://goteaminternet.com/show/63977

A website called Winning at Everything. I believe it was started by the same people who made Regretsy, a favorite of mine. Here are a few choice selections.

And my personal favorite of all time:

The other thing I wanted to share I do with a heavy heart. As much as I have tried, I do not like Doctor Who. I don’t. The problem with that is many people who I enjoy being around and who’s opinions of things matter to me adore Doctor Who. Like, crazy obsessive adoration. And I cannot for the life of me get into it. I’ve watched all of Season One (Eccleston) and all of Season Two (Tennant) and I give up. I have a hard time getting into science fiction at the best of times. The science fiction on Doctor Who is so wacky and the special effects are so cheese-tastic – maybe that’s part of its charm, but it just makes me miss Firefly. I never liked Star Trek, I guess it’s like the same thing. Sigh.

Adore the theme song, though.

http://www.buzzfeed.com/chrismenning/typical-horse-racing-in-japan

Now, on to the talent portion of our competition. I like to think I have some skills in some areas. However, often I am shown that I am not awesome in any way, shape or form. I would like to share some videos of people making me feel useless right now.

1. Some Japanese men making mochi. Be sure to watch the bit between the pounder thing and the bare hands.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2HKnHnUk0S8&

2. This policeman riding a motorcycle all smooth-like around super-tight turns. You know how this would go for me? Get on motorcycle. Progress five feet forward. Fall over, most likely with the motorcycle on top of me. Moan until someone rescues me. The end.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pJxOsYh12yY&

3. And finally, the Nike basketball commercial from 2001. Damn. DAMN. It made me want to learn how to bounce that tangerine orb like a pro.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0kSmis2g3SI&

Has everything been made for TV that’s going to be? Because I feel like we’re bottom-feeding in the Marianas Trench now. For you kids at home that managed to make it through the Nineties without hearing about Heidi Fleiss, she was a real famous madam in New York who had a bevy of faaaahne women working for her, but alas she was caught and went to prison and got hooked on drugs…and if you look at the picture I’ve included, she clearly, at some point, had a whole bunch of face work done. Watching her smile is like watching a spectre trying to grin after a root canal. Geesh.

And now she has twenty parrots (loud ones, macaws) hanging out in her house. I’m glad I know this now.

More importantly, I made myself a festive fascinator (translation: stuff stuck to a headband). I saw this on a crafting blog:

http://news.holidash.com//2010/04/23/mothers-day-corsage/

And I didn’t want a big brooch, but I did want a shnazzy headband, so I adapted it for headband use. First, I individually dyed each petal with alcohol and ink.

Then I glued them all together but because they were stiff from the alcohol, they didn’t mash together, causing gaps. To make the gaps less…gap-y, I made dark purple polymer clay twisty thorns and scattered them in and out and all around. Finally, I thought it needed leaves so I found some super-green peacock feathers and made some orange wire stems and poof, fancy headdress for me.

Now I just needed to get invited to a party with a Frida Kahlo theme or something so I have a reason to rock this thing in public.

I think of two things when I look at her: One, the Bee Girl from that Blind Melon video, and the girl from Little Miss Sunshine. I really wanted her to break into either “No Rain” or “Superfreak”, but if she did do either of those things, we didn’t get to see it.

I did, however get to see the worst thing ever in the history of the world. It actually caught me off-guard and I jerked back and said, “Whoa” to the invisible people who watch TV with me in my apartment. I tried to capture it with an animated gif, but I don’t think I did it justice. It’s a girl, about four years old, dressed as a kitty-kat. I think her mom told her to pantomime licking her paw or something, but that is not what it looked like. THAT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKED LIKE. Even thinking about it, I gotta go wash my hands.

As an added bonus, here’s a video of Eden, one of the most famous pageant-circuit girls. I can’t stop laughing every time I watch this.

http://www.buzzfeed.com/theuniblogger/disturbing-toddler-beauty-queen-slowed-down-to-a-bhd

See? The streets change names and have odd angles, and they’re leaving out all the smaller streets and alleys and dead ends. It’s like Lower Manhattan, but all over. I was so sad. If I lived there, I would have to have a chip put in my neck so people could find me after I wandered off so I wouldn’t get mired in a peat bog and be found perfectly preserved thousands of years later.

My favorite comedian in the whole wide world is Patton Oswalt, and I have a bootleg performance of him in Atlanta in 2002. He talks about one of his trips to England and Ireland, and I pulled a small chunk out for you to listen to. Warning: some coarse words.

patton-oswalt

Now, I’ve heard that for years, and I was like, oh, game shows can’t be that different in England. Hoo boy, was I wrong. I was in the hotel one afternoon and I caught a bit of a show called Countdown. First of all, it’s like the SATs. You have to be good with both letters and numbers. Second, they have a resident lexicographer named Susie Dent, who they occasionally go to for fun word info (in the episode I caught, she explained the origins of some of our favorite dinosaur names for a good three minutes, which in game show time is a month and a half). There’s no background music. There’s no cheering. Watching it is like penance for a crime. These two contestants bust their humps with word and number problems for a half-hour. The loser got (I’m not making this up) the Oxford Dictionary and a mug with the Countdown logo on it. The winner, who was on his eighth day, they didn’t even mention what he was going to win, whenever that happened. I had to look it up. Brace yourself: He or she wins a leather-bound copy of the twenty-volume Oxford English Dictionary, worth £4,000, which is about $6,000 (okay) and THE UGLIEST TEAPOT IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD.

So let’s review: The contestant I saw had been on the show for eight straight days, I have no idea how many more days he has to be on to win, and when he does wins, finally, he will bring home $6,000 worth of books and an affront to mankind masquerading as a teapot which he will most likely display on his mantle to appall people’s good taste for years to come. I’d like to see this show last on American television for two episodes. On the Game Show channel, at 2:00 in the morning. Even then, it wouldn’t happen.

Tomorrow, I’ll start on the many cultural wonders I saw, but for now, after editing all those pics, I’m going to bed.