Sometimes I worry about Japan.

May 5th, 2021

I keep getting ads for a place called Sugoi Mart. They seem fine, normal, mentally sound.

But now I get different ads. Disturbing. Concerning. Off-putting.

Hey, Sugoi Mart, you okay? Do you need someone to come get you? Let me know if you need a hand there.

Randomry you didn’t know you needed, but you do.

May 1st, 2021

1. Mirabelle the Snail by Snuff Puppets.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NAQSNBNsUOY

The music really compliments the video. If I saw that crossing the road I would need an asthma inhaler, I’d be laughing so hard.

 

2. There’s an episode of the older Ducktales (I still know all the words to the theme song for some reason) where, in the back, the eye chart says “Ask about the Illuminati.” I’m sure conspiracy theorists got all manner of excited about that.

 

3. Did not know about this creepy-as-hell mask women used to wear. You would have to hold it in place using your teeth. I imagine your jaw would get really tired being clamped like that. Never mind the potential for drooling.

 

4. I love this. There’s a commercial for a birth control product called Paragard. The commercial has smiling dancing people. However, as the commercial ends, it is clear the director called cut and the actors were like “whatever, just give me my paycheck already.” I guess that was supposed to be edited out but it was not. The tall dude in the middle actually checks his watch. But my favorite is the curly-haired blonde on the left.

 

5. I was working at an advertising agency when I noticed a rainbow on the wall. The sun was hitting something and throwing up that rainbow. Before it was gone I ran to the window and it was an crystal award shaped like a pyramid! Pink Floyd!

 

6. I saw a sculpture that I assumed was a joke. It is not a joke. It’s a legit sculpture. With dick grabby-grabby.

The story has man-eating horses. Trust the Greek gods to be absolute lunatics.

I tried to find this sculpture as a lawn ornament but the tallest version I found was 14 inches and like $100. If anyone finds it in lawn ornament size and at a reasonable price, please let me know.

You know what soothes the soul in times of strife? Charts.

April 18th, 2021

Y’all met Pixel the Demon Cat? You should.

March 27th, 2021

There’s this cat named Pixel. He’s a lovely Cornish Rex, a breed known for being slim and alien-looking with pretty curled fur like ramen noodles. Pixel will do this thing where he curls the corners of his mouth like he’s smiling. This caused concern for some lady and she felt compelled to comment.

I saw this and was like “Hey hey now, I’m sure he’s a fine little weird-looking cat,” but I’m big enough to admit when I’m wrong and I am. This cat, on occasion, looks freaky as hell.

Let’s start with some easy ones. Pixel looks a bit intense but still super-cute. And you can appreciate the curly fur.

Sassy. That’s fine.

Now we take the turn.

Oh no.

JESUS CHRIST.

That last pic, it haunts my dreams. I love little Pixel though. He’s a wee monster. Here’s a picture of him with his owner.

And here’s a picture of him as a baby.

Despite the “grinning” I love him and I hope he only ever gets hugs and cuddles from everyone he meets.

 

Addendum: I saw pictures of Pixel from the side. I have such confusing feelings.

Covid shot #1 done.

March 21st, 2021

I went and got my first vaccine shot and it was a super-weird experience. I don’t know what it’s been like where you live but here it’s been a real Walmart-on-Black-Friday situation to get an appointment. You get on the New York site at 6:00am and vigorously hit refresh because new locations appear every day. One day I saw there was a spot available at the Westchester County Center a mile from my house so I sat on hold for one hour, one full hour, to be told the spot was gone. It’s been like that since vaccines became available. My sister K loves a challenge so she wrestled with the website for two days and got me a shot at the Javitz Convention Center in Manhattan which is very much not a mile from my house but this is not the time to be picky. I went down to the Javitz in an Uber. It was a rainy misty day so everything looked monotone and gray, that’s an important detail. I went in and that’s when the dystopia really kicked in. The Javitz is all glass and silver metal, and that combined with the misty skyscrapers made it look like the world was in black and white. Plus there are no trees up against the river so one could imagine that all plant life was gone. I took photos. I did not doctor these in any way.

Why did they cover the giant TV screens like it’s a Jewish memorial? That is really not helping the vibe. The National Guard in their camo uniforms checked everyone’s paperwork and IDs and organized them into lines. I felt like it was 1938 and I had to pack up everything and flee Poland.

To add to the vaguely nightmarish element there was the Soothing Lady On The Loudspeaker saying things like “We have been verified to have the best cleaning protocol” and “If you feel ill, have a fever or are coughing, please go home and reschedule” and the most creeptacular “Remember, we’re all in this together.”

Luckily everything moved as smoothly as anything. I was shocked. Considering how long they had to pull this together it was amazing. I was in and out of there in under a 1/2 hour and that’s including the fifteen minutes I had to sit in the observation area. We’ll get there.

First, before I went downstairs I was taunted by this closed food kiosk in the lobby. That’s like all my favorite foods in one and it’s not open. Cruel.

From this point I wasn’t allowed to take pictures so these are other people’s shots I found on the internet. You waited in long lines separated by stanchions in rooms so big army people come up to the line to walk you to the next available table. Each table has a cheap floor lamp and when the table is available the person working there turns on their light. It’s the only way to communicate in a room that big. In case you’ve never been in the Javitz Center, the rooms are astonishingly large. This is a pic from Comic-Con. Look at the room. It goes on forever.

So that room has about 100 tables with lamps and you get escorted to one. That person checks your printout that says today is the day to get your shot and you show your driver’s license to prove you live in New York and then you go to the next gigantic room. More stanchions and then you go to your table where you get your shot. This is nice – as you’re getting your shot in your chosen arm, there’s someone else at the table filling out that card everyone has taken photos of on social media. So the second you’re done you can leave. So, so well-organized.

Here’s where the bad choice came in. You then go to an observation area where you sit in chairs for fifteen minutes in case you have an allergic reaction. They, quite graciously, had musicians playing off to the side. HOWEVER, it was a string quartet and they were playing soft gentle dirge-type music which gave strong Titanic-going-down energy which is not at all the emotion you want. You can’t leave for fifteen minutes, you’re waiting to see if your throat closes and there’s this gloomy “Gentlemen, it has been an honor” thing going on. But then you’re done! And they automatically schedule you for your follow-up shot. When I went back yesterday I took surreptitious photos. Here are the tables with the lamps.

And here is the observation area. This time there was a harp, a flute and a viola. Really lovely.

Now my arm is really hot and ouchy but that’s good because that means my body is fighting. Hopefully this works and I can hug people again.

New Jessica Describes Stuff! This time, Mulan.

March 10th, 2021

Here’s my latest video, a review of the animated film Mulan. There’s some of my glorious singing in the middle there, be sure to enjoy that.

New rotting fruit art!

February 23rd, 2021

I’ve spoken about the amazing work of Kathleen Ryan before. It appears she’s made new fruit and I love them.

I assumed the fruit was larger than life but I had no idea how much larger. It makes me wonder how big her beads are. My beads, even my biggest ones, would not cut it.

Live-reacting to the Superb Owl. It’s going to be very sportsy.*

February 8th, 2021

Tom Brady plays for the Buccaneers now? When did that happen? I thought he played for the New England Kraft Mac ‘n’ Cheez team! It’s really hard to follow football when you only watch one day a year.

Wow, I don’t care about 99% of this. There had better be some good commercials. I’m interested in what The Weeknd does with the halftime show.

Regarding who I’m rooting for, here is my Facebook post from earlier this week:

I always tear up when someone sings the Black national anthem (“Lift Every Voice and Sing”). Waaaaay better than the milky-white one.

Oooo there’s a show coming out based on Silence of the Lambs and they’re using the font from the original movie! Nice touch.

Holy crap, Paramount put their mountain with stars behind the stadium using some green screen whatnot and I seriously thought there was a giant mountain with stars hovering in the sky. I do not know what is real and what is fake anymore. It’s the end days, people! Stop messing with my head!

They’re doing a really beautiful film that meant to evoke emotions and it’s evoking emotions. I’m trying to fight it because it’s intentionally treacly but I’m losing. I was fine with the parents of the players talking about how much they love their kids but one of the players left to go work in a hospital in Canada during Covid. He gave up on his Super Bowl dreams to help people. Right in the feels.

The Chiefs fan chant is so incredibly racist. Look it up. They need to catch up with the times. My God.

I do not know the two people singing the national anthem. This is shaping up to be a profoundly underwhelming experience.

I’m going to ignore Amanda Gorman the national youth poet laureate because that felt weird and inappropriate.

Okay, the coin toss. That means they’re going to start playing which is where I check out. I’m going to go on Tumblr until something happens worth acknowledging.

M&M commercial with Dan Levy is good.

Logitech commercial with Lil Nas X is good. Love that makeup artist.

New M. Night Shyamalan movie looks good.

Daveed Diggs rapping with Sesame Street is good.

I am rooting for the Buccaneers because I like the color choices on their pants. #sports

The Doritos commercial with  Matthew Mcconaughey is not good.

Dr. Squatch: Nope. Natural soap for men will not cut it. They need detergent. Otherwise they smell like goats.

I just learned the Empire State Building is lit in the two colors of the teams and flashes the teams color when that team gets a goal. Next time I will try to find a place with a view so I can see that.

The Buccaneers are destroying the Chiefs and now it’s the halftime show. I’m happy because I despise the racism of the Chiefs but I’m sad because I’m sick of Tom Brady’s stupid face.

The set The Weeknd starts on is clever, it looks like a poster but it’s 3D. They use trickery of the eye.

Did an angel-demon hybrid fall out of the sky, what the actual hell?

Oh, it’s just a cyborg gospel choir.

Wow, he goes backstage and it’s a carnival mirror maze, so cool.

I love this.

He’s singing “I Can’t Feel My Face When I’m With You” and dancers all have nose job gauze wrappings that cover their mouths as well, great way to work masks into the performance.

Now everyone is out on the field and either they’re using plastic filters on some of the cameras or we, as a nation, have astigmatism.

Ah, fireworks, that means we’re done with half time. And I am done with this game. Anything that happens after now matters not to me.

Addendum: The Reddit ad is clever and I like it. It references owls as well, extra points for that.

*This is a lie.

Beaver Skull. Here we go.

February 2nd, 2021

Remember Deer Skull? In a moment of weakness I bought a beaver skull. C’mon guys, it was on sale! I got it for cheaper because the front teeth, the most valuable part of the skull, were broken at the tips. I’m going to cover the whole skull with beads similar to the deer but in gold and jewel tones. I have a lot of beads left over from the acorn necklace.

And after my dad died I submitted a 6″ x 6″ tile to the Museum of Beadwork, I used more of those metallic beads there.

So for this skull instead of matching the color of the bone I’m going hard in the opposite direction. I painted the everything except the teeth blue and put blue and green felt on areas where I might want to shove in some decorative pins. I need a substrate to shove the pins into and bone is notoriously resistant.

I used Apoxie Sculpt to mold clean ends on the teeth. I can cover those bits with beads and you’ll never know they were janky and broken. Fun fact: The reason the fronts of the teeth are orange is because that’s rust. Their teeth are covered with iron.

I want there to be a gold line going from the forehead to the back. Lord, this has been a journey. I first beaded a beautiful strip. I couldn’t believe the richness of the gold color. Then I realized the richness is due to the beads being covered in 24K gold. I had forgotten I had bought them. I am very much not using those beads on a frikkin’ beaver skull so I took it apart.

Attempt #2. I decided I wanted it to be a pointed stripe fading into dark blue. The color blend was too chunky so that one was scrapped.

Attempt #3. Nope.

Attempt #4. YES.

I will clip those loose threads and I can fix the wobbliness when I glue it down by pushing it around until it sets.

That took a solid week to make one strip. This learning curve needs to pick up but I’ll get there. Eventually.

Let’s start the 2021 on the right foot. With charts.

January 15th, 2021

Several of my favorite charts, the Venn Diagram, which pleases me.

 

And check out this extremely beautiful infographic. I love it.