Rawk of Lurv.

I’ve commented on the VH1 herpestravaganza “Rock of Love” before (here, in fact) and I try not to watch it because the idea of many women competing for a man and wrasslin’ greased pigs (no, really) to win dates with him is a wretched concept to me. However, I watched the final episode because one of the girls on the show had a regular job (TV host) and was 37 and mature and funny and had natural small bosoms. And she was competing against a woman who was a 25-year-old stripper (which is fine, get yo’ paper Booboo, I ain’t mad atcha) but who was really not very bright and had some of the worst plastic surgery on her face I have ever seen. Anyway, I watched the final episode (my choice won, hooray) and I think Bret Michaels seems like a genuinely nice person with very pretty blue eyes. Afterwards I decided I was really unfamiliar with Poison’s music so I put Poison’s Greatest Hits on my iPod and listened to the whole thing at work. Here’s the thing: IT’S BAD. Not dated like Whitesnake (whom I love) or tongue-in-cheek wink-wink bad, no. They’re very serious about what they do and it’s awful. I mean, “Unskinny Bop” is horrendous. If I wrote a rock song, it would sound identical to “Unskinny Bop”. This is not a compliment. But for now, we shall deal with the vaguely unsucky song, “Every Rose Has Its Thorn”. Apparently Bret wrote this when he and his girlfriend had just broken up and he was really sad and it comes through, so good for him. However, his lyrics are at a second-grade level. We will discuss the chorus:

Every rose has its thorn
Just like every night has its dawn
Just like every cowboy sings his sad, sad song
Every rose has its thorn

Okay, first of all. he should have used “morn” instead of “dawn” because then you wouldn’t have to mumble to get all these things to rhyme. Now, from the first line, you think he’s going to set up a pattern, “Every good thing has a bad aspect to it”, which is true. The next line is “Just like every night has its dawn” which is that idea backwards, putting the bad aspect in front of the good thing. Then the third line: “Just like every cowboy sings his sad, sad song”… which has NOTHING to do with ANYTHING. He could have substituted any rhyming element there and it would make the same amount of sense. Something about how his ass is chafing from a tight, tight thong, or he can’t smoke weed through his clogged, clogged bong, I mean, really, anything. Needless to say, Bret’s solo album that VH1 was hawking during the entire “Rock of Love” episode, yeah, I won’t be buying that.

One Response to “Rawk of Lurv.”

  1. snorth says:

    Oh my god, you crack me the hell up! I was just telling a story with you in it today: remember being at the nerd convention and that lady was crying and eating nori wrappers in the bathroom? Yeah, it was that story. Sounds like it was all a fever dream, huh?

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