I’ve been watching TV. I know! Shocking.

1. OMG, why is every other commercial for perfume? Perfume is a SMELL. You cannot smell anything on the talking picture box. So far, what I have learned is that if I buy perfume, I will smell like a non-smiling twenty-something lady model, or possibly Elizabeth Taylor, or a horse. Which is to say, I have no freakin’ idea what your perfume smells like, so quit it with the stupid commercials.

Actually, that’s not true. Mariah Carey has a commercial for her perfume, which has butterflies and rainbows on it. I can tell exactly what her perfume smells like. It smells like a girl. A girl who revels in the stupid stereotypes that are associated with women. Like this. Or this. If it wasn’t for her version of “O Holy Night” I would dislike everything about her.

2. Has anyone seen the trailer for the new Clint Eastwood movie? Where he says, “Get off of my lawn,” to a bunch of hooligans? How GREAT is that!?! Clint is an old gruff dude and he’s totally embracing that. I think he needs to incorporate more oldisms into all his movies. But not in a Grumpy Old Men way. Those films were appalling. The only way I think it would be alright would be if Clint said something stupid like, “I got coupons for the Stop and Shop!” but then he riddles someone with bullets. Then it’s okay.

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