(Insert Darth Vader breathing sounds)

So I had my apnea sleep study done at the local hospital, and that was… a thing I did. It was pretty awful, frankly – not painful or anything, but extemely not-comfortable. I arrived and the nice nurse lady told me to change into my jammies and then escorted me to a sleeping room. Then the nice lady had me run wires down my pants and wrapped two very tight elastic bands around me, one around my bosomy region and one around my waist. After that there was the attaching of the fifteen or so metal receiver things that looked like snaps to my head, neck and shoulders. I would like to inform you that they use a combination of 3M tape (more on that later) and some kind of grout for humans. Human caulk. Vaseline plays a role in there too, I’m not sure what. After I was all wired up, the nice lady plugged me into a box and attached that box to a machine in the bedside table. Oooh, let’s not forget the snore monitor that when in my nose and behind my ears and the finger cuff with the insanely short cord. You ready for the money shot? Here it is.


When I was fully attached to the bedside table by no less than three cables, the nice lady told me I couldn’t cover myself with any sheets or anything, and I had to lay on my back all night. In complete darkness and silence. I normally sleep with the TV or radio on, so this is not a nice happy soothing scenario for me. After what seemed like eons, I decided TO HECK with the rules, I’m rolling over (I normally sleep on my stomach). Just for your future information, rolling over with what feels like a bomb strapped to your body is more difficult than you would think. It is a slow, tedious process that ends with you saying to yourself, “Well, okay, that’s not much better.” I imagine I looked like a lethargic kraken. Everything is pointy and tangledy and your hair gets slowly knotted up in your breathing apparatus. After I had completed this Herculean task, I realized I had to use the bathroom. And that I was tethered to the bedside table. So I had to be unhooked by the nice lady and rehooked upon my return. And then the silence and the darkness and the lying-on-the-back continued. That was pretty much the whole night. I did eventually fall asleep, what I call “the sleep of the extremely tired person who has no other options”. At 5:45 a.m., the nice lady came in and removed the all the plugs and tubes and TAPE. The tape caused me to appreciate that we evolved from apes because along with the tape came off all those fine little hairs one has one’s body, similar to a gorilla. Also, did I mention what else the tape took off? A nice layer of skin. I layer of skin I was clearly still using. Hell of a way to wake up after a fitful night of rest at 6:00 in the morning. I wandered off into the burgeoning dawn like a zombie, my face a mix of wrinkles from the tubes and sticky from the glue, my hair clumped with spackle and Vaseline. My test results will be back in two weeks. We’ll see what the nice nurse lady has to say.

Addendum on March 16th: I officially have sleep apnea. Not life-threatening, but not good either. I am going to be fitted for a CPAP machine, and possibly later in my life I will have the inside of my nose surgically widened (it is crookedy and the passages are small). But first, CPAP machine.

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