Prometheus. But not really.

I saw Prometheus this weekend and I thought it kinda sucked, which made me sad because I really wanted to like it. I imagine tons of people will love it, so I will sadly sit in the corner all alone not liking it. I have two theories: either there are big weird plot holes and no one cares but me, or I am obtuse like a rock and I cannot appreciate subtle nuances and not-spelled-out twists in this movie. Either one is acceptable. But, more importantly, there was a three-sided advert in the lobby for a movie that sounded so profoundly saccharine and fake that if it had been in a book we would have written it off as total fake horsepoop and yelled at the author for fabricating such garbage. But it’s real and it’s coming to theaters near you.

The description of the film is the part that blew my mind. Even if I had meningitis and my brain was pressing against my skull I couldn’t write this crap. Seriously. Read this out loud to someone and watch their facial expressions.

Over the mountains, beyond the sea, is the loveliest place there ever could be. It’s in this wonderfilled™ land of Lovelyloveville that our BIG interactive adventure begins. Meet Goobie, Zoozie and Toofie, the Oogieloves, as we set out to find Lovelyloveville’s last five magical balloons in time for our dear friend Schluufy’s surprise birthday party. Shhh!!! It’s a secret!!! As we all search for the golden balloons throughout Fun Forest and over Great Grass Lake, together we meet colorful new friends along the way, including a comically rose-obsessed diva (Toni Braxton), a grandmother with a hysterical passion for polka dots (Cloris Leachman), an Elvisesque diner owner and his milkshake-making cow (Chazz Palminteri), a cowboy who grows bubbles in the back of his truck (Cary Elwes), and a couple of enthusiastic dancers who live in a giant hovercraft shaped sombrero (Christopher Lloyd and Jaime Pressly). With the help of old friends and new, can we along with the Oogieloves, find the balloons in time for what could be Lovelyloveville’s most sensational party ever? In a world of endless possibilities, The Oogieloves in The BIG Balloon Adventure just might be the most extraordinary and joyous adventure of all time.

Lovelyloveville? Was this script written by a first-grade girl? Because if it was, it’s fantastic. If it was written by adults, however, they should go drown themselves in Great Grass Lake immediately. Jim Henson is rolling over in his grave. Shame on you.

Addendum: Here’s why I didn’t like Prometheus in four minutes:

One Response to “Prometheus. But not really.”

  1. snorth says:

    Your dramatic reading of the description was the best part of the day!

Leave a Reply