I have seen many things that I must now share with you.

Number one: Are you people watching Game of Thrones? If not, you need to get on that, pronto. I just watched all of Season 1 and Season 2 and whoo, it is addictive. For those of you who don’t know, here’s a basic plot summary. There’s seven kingdoms and the king who ruled them all dies. Now there’s an all-out battle to figure out who the “rightful” heir to the throne is. And the throne itself is amazing. It’s called the Iron Throne and it is made from the swords of people the king vanquished, which is so very, very cool. HBO has a replica for $30,000 and I was sorely tempted to sell off a great many of my possessions to acquire this. Here’s a poster of Sean Bean sitting on it.

WANT. But it’s not worth watching solely for the rad sitting device, oh no. The writing is great, the acting is great, especially the child actors. Costumes, great. Sets, great. Opening credits, super-great.


See how it’s a map? In each episode, it changes depending on the people they’re focusing on. Despite having no sense of direction, I have totally figured out where everybody is from because of that helpful map opening. Thank you, helpful map opening! Now, a heads-up. The show has loads of incest, rape, prostitution, beheadings, stabbings, maimings, etc. It’s about war in a mythical medieval land where life is, you know, rough and medieval-y. I learned early on not to get too attached to any particular characters because chances are good that they will die in a gruesome and horrid manner. I was wondering how they were going to keep this up but they seem to be introducing new people all the time, so I don’t think they’ll run out.

Number two: I saw Shame, the movie with Michael Fassbender and Carey Mulligan. Very good and very depressing. I am shocked – shocked! – that Michael Fassbender did not get nominated for an Oscar. Not only does he give a fantastic performance, he checks all the boxes required by an Oscar movie. He sobs (in the rain!), he gets naked, he moodily stares off into the distance to complete silence multiple times, he is super self-destructive. He basically gives the same performance as Halle Berry in Monster’s Ball or Charlize Theron in Monster. It’s a perfect Oscar nomination movie. The rumor is that he wasn’t nominated because… of his penis. Seriously. How can I put this graciously? Michael has the longest wang in film history and he walks directly towards the camera a couple of times where it swings back and forth like an elephant’s trunk. Apparently well-hung men are not Oscar-worthy. I would like to say I am very disappointed in the Academy and I think not only should they award Michael Fassbender with an Oscar, they should award a separate one to his dick as an apology. I think you should see this movie because the performances are excellent, but it’s a sad movie about sex addiction without a happy resolution and copious amounts of compulsive unpleasant shtupping, so don’t rent this movie for date night.

Number three: I also saw Kung Fu Panda II. No one was more surprised than me that the movie was delightful. I loved Kung Fu Panda I and I was really concerned and apprehensive that KFP2 would be epically crappy. I shall not soon forget the sadness I experienced with Men In Black II. But I decided to steel myself and it was really sweet and charming and, as in the first one, the animation and design was terrific, very beautiful. I am actually looking forward to a Kung Fu Panda III. Probably my favorite thing was when Po the Panda hides in a Chinese dragon-type thing. I say “Chinese dragon-type thing” because it does not look like a Chinese dragon. It looks like a Tim Burton bear/caterpillar with antlers all over its body. I want one. I made an animated gif.

My favorite moment was when the Kung Fu masters (who are now all hiding under the Tim Burton dragon) drag a bad-guy wolf into the mouth part, beat the crap out of the wolf, and “poop” him out the other side. I made an animated gif of that as well.

So you should see this movie too. This one will be good for date night. Waaaaay less dangly man-junk.

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