Two more movies! I’m busting it out in time for Oscar season.

1. Django Unchained.

  • STOP SAYING THE “N” WORD. STOP IT. They say it, like, fifty billion times. White people saying the “n” word makes me recoil every time, like getting slapped in the face with a handful of cold bleach.
  • In the beginning of the movie, Christoph Waltz (did I mention Christoph Waltz was in this film, because he is and he’s awesome again) rides on into town with a dentist wagon with a tooth on a spring on top. It’s goes dingle-doingle when he rides around and it’s delightful.
  • When Christoph Waltz and Jamie Foxx rolled into the first town and the barkeeper turned around, did no one else notice that the swinging light fixture hits him in the back of the head? It’s really funny. The guy has a line first. “Whoa, whoa, whoa!” *donk* “What the hell you think yer doin’, boy?”
  • Ummm, has Quentin Tarantino ever seen a human body? Does he know how it works? Because in Quentin’s world, when someone gets shot they explode like water balloons filled with blood. For real, one guy lying on his back gets shot and a geyser erupts out of him about three feet in the air. Now, I’m no anatomy expert, but as far as I know we are not ripe grapefruit bloodsacks. I haven’t seen a movie this squelchy since 300.
  • Samuel L. Jackson speaks like Gollum. “Why is you lying? When Mr. Candi talks to you, you answers.” The only thing he doesn’t do is refer to himself in the plural. (“We eats it, don’t we, Precious?”)

2. Silver Linings Playbook.

  • Why is this movie nominated for eight Oscars? Is there a blowout sale on Oscars and they’re givin’ them away for free? This is a weak rom-com. I love Jennifer Lawrence (J-Law) and Bradley Cooper is his usual blue-eyed goodness, but… why is this nominated for eight Oscars? I know I just said that, but it’s completely bewildering to me.
  • This movie’s two lead characters are mentally ill and the film touches on an issue that I feel very strongly about. You should see it just so you understand why I’m saying this. IF YOU ARE BI-POLAR, OR SCHIZOPHRENIC, OR MANIC, OR DEPRESSED, OR WHATEVER – TAKE YOUR MEDS. I know they make you feel groggy and fuzzy and mush-mouthed. All drugs have side effects. It sucks, I know. Take them anyway. Otherwise you are intolerable to be around at best and violent and dangerous at worst. Don’t cheek your pills. Take them. Wrap them in bacon and cheese like you are feeding a dog and take them.
  • Jennifer Lawrence in the dance scene at the end of the film… okay, I’m not gay, but her butt, I think it’s magical. She’s my new favorite actress because I love her acting style, and I love her in interviews, and now I love her intoxicating rump. The way she talks erases all the memories I have of the way the Kardashians talk. Her voice is a healing balm. She better not go all Lindsay/Amanda Bynes and lose her mind and bash her car into things. That would seriously bum me out.

Addendum with mad spoilerage, like a fridge that has had no electricity for four days: I was talking to my black co-worker Saurus and it’s interesting what bothered her and what bothered me. She was horrified by the abuse of the slaves – the whipping, the forced fights, the dog-ripping-apart-the-slave scene. While I of course found those scenes extremely off-putting (as I imagine most non-sociopathic people would), I was more upset when the white characters were horrible and demeaning. Leonardo DiCaprio has a scene where, in order to prove some horsepoop phrenology theory, he saws through the skull of his beloved childhood caretaker like it’s nothing, like he wasn’t a person, I had to look away. I got seriously queased. Saurus found the character Samuel L. Jackson played to be intolerable and she wanted to kill him, whereas I just found him to be slippery like an eel. We really had different takes on the whole thing. Here’s an interesting article on the character Samuel L. Jackson played:

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