The Oscars.

Normally when award shows roll around, I ignore them and continue my usual watching of whatever crap the glass teat horks at me. (Perhaps a show where people go to a swap meet to exchange taxidermied medical anomalies, like calfs with two heads? Sign me up!) However, this past award season I seemed to get caught up in the excitement of it all and I watched three, count ’em, three let’s-congratulate-ourselves shows from beginning to end – The Golden Globes, The Grammys and The Oscars. The outfits were exactly the same as they are every year, the ladies all posed in the same position with the same half-smile on their face like Mona Lisas who have only been consuming juice and tapeworms for a month, same same same. However, throughout the cloud of who won what and who wore what I saw an article that said, “Nail art is officially dead” and I think I yelled, “The hell it is!” All the nice ladies at the Oscars wore either naked nails or a tasteful pale pink and that’s fine and all, but I loved the new surge of weird creative designs that people had been putting on their fingers and I don’t want to see it go, I don’t! Alas, the party nail, we hardly knew ye. In case you have no idea what I’m talking about, here are some examples. I made them the exact size of the blog entry so you don’t have to click on them, you can just scroll down slowly. Maybe put Boyz II Men’s “It’s So Hard To Say Goodbye” in the background while you do. It completes the experience.

Frankly, I blame Japan. Don’t get mad, I have a reason, I didn’t pick them at random. They took the idea of nail art and went to place that is not okay, not even if you don’t do much with your hands during the day. Their nail stuff made Gail Devers look reasonable, and that woman’s nails were unreasonable.

Again, I made these all blog-sized so you don’t have to click on them, you can just scroll down. If you would like music in the background for this, might I recommend a ten-hour loop of Nyan Cat?

Yeah. Never mind the usual question long-nailed-folk get, “How do you wipe your butt?”, my question is, “How do you do anything? Like, at all?” You ruined simple tasteful nail art for everyone. I hope you’re happy, Japan.

In Oscar news not in any way related to nail art, this happened: Okay, I was not really familiar with Dame Shirley Bassey’s performance style. I mean, I could recognize her extremely distinctive voice anywhere, but I had never seen her sing live previous to the Oscars. I didn’t even know what she looked like. They did a “50 Years of James Bond” thing at the Oscars, and then Shirley came out and scared the crap out of me.


The other day I looked into her history a bit, and that’s not even the scariest she could get. Are you aware of The Beatles song “Something”? It’s a nice, placid, gentle sort of song. Then Shirley got a hold of it, and now I’m afraid again. That woman is terrifying. Super-talented, but terrifying.

I feel like she would hurl a dish at me if I said something that angered her. Yikes.

And that’s my wrap-up on The Oscars.

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