Juice cleanse.

Nessa, my co-worker, has decided to do a three-day detox juice cleanse. She said why don’t I do it with her, and I thought why not? I am clearly an idiot. I now know a million reasons not to do this. Remember chewing? I don’t. I haven’t done it in three days. I want to gnaw on my own fingers. And kale is the worst thing ever. Ground up raw kale tastes like rancid grass clippings. I want to punch all the kale farmers right in the jibbly bits. I feel like I’m rockin’ a stomach virus, with the dizziness and the nausea and the sleepiness. We’ve never eaten so healthy in our lives, and we’ve never felt so crappy. I feel like this cleanse is a secret plot put out by McDonald’s to encourage people to eat more fast food. I want to make a t-shirt that says “I HEART PRESERVATIVES”. Did you know dead people are taking longer to decay? Really. It used to take something like two years, and now it takes about twice as long. They attribute that to all the preservatives we ingest. “Twinkies – helping our deceased keep more meat on their bones so they can more effectively turn into zombies should the need arise” should be their motto. I got to listen to Nessa barf up her dinner shake last night and I can honestly say it was one of the funniest things I’ve ever heard because betwixt the hurling she gave color commentary. “Harghhghgghh… It’s never gonna end oh God why… Huhgghghhhgh… When did I drink this much fluid?… Hughhhururgghhhhh… So many blueberries!” I would have gone and gotten her a glass or water or held her hair or something but I didn’t have the energy to get off the couch. I just lay there laughing at her. It must have looked like something from an experimental film. Did I mention yet that I hate kale? THE WORST. Tonight it’s all over and if I haven’t lost eleventeen-million pounds I’m gonna be so mad. I will try to raise my fist weakly and shake it if I can.

3 Responses to “Juice cleanse.”

  1. Nessa says:


  2. Gemma says:

    You two are braver women than I…hang in there!

  3. Rothbeastie says:

    Thank you! Well, that atrocity is over. I’m never doing that again. DO NOT RECOMMEND.

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