Archive for March, 2015


Monday, March 30th, 2015

This is going to be all plant all the time. If you ain’t down with horticulture, best come back later. Once upon a time when I was young and this horrid winter had not yet befallen us I went with my family to the Botanical Gardens in the Bronx to look at the train show.


I figured they would have different models of trains on display betwixt the flowers and trees but no, there was so much more. There was buildings! Lots of buildings made of twigs and seeds and pods and dried leaves, all representing NYC landmarks. I thought the bridges were the best.

botanical-garden1 botanical-garden6 botanical-garden8

The trains wove around them and went chug-chug and ding-ding and let me tell you even with all this technology nowadays it is a delight to be around a giant diorama like they would have in 18-something-something. Many of the buildings I didn’t recognize:

botanical-garden14 botanical-garden11 botanical-garden2

Some of them I totally recognized (Grand Central, hello! I walk through you twice every day!):

botanical-garden4 botanical-garden9 botanical-garden3

And hello there, TWA Building! I hope they repurpose you soon because you’re awesome!


Oooh, that’s meta: The Botanical Garden inside The Botanical Garden.


This one made me sad because it was the old Penn Station before it was torn down and replaced with that architectural toilet stall that is the present Penn Station. Even though I never knew you, Old Penn Station, I miss you. Sigh.


And these two made me sad because… well, frankly, they suck. When you make a gazillion buildings some of them are bound to be crappy. In this case, it is Excessively Morose Statue of Liberty and Barely Distinguishable Guggenheim Museum.

botanical-garden10 botanical-garden12

Now last week across the street from where I work at Macy’s there was the annual flower show. Macy’s has been doing repairs for the last two years so they had the flower show in a big tent out front which was lame. However, this year it’s back in the main area where the perfumes and makeup and handbags are. I missed it during the two years it was in the tent because golly gosh, it’s so beautiful.


This year’s theme is modern art. Macy’s took Roy Lichtenstein’s art style (gigantic paintings with comic book women) and it said “Bloom!” (like “Boom!”, get it? Word play.).


I was so proud of myself because I could name all the artists represented. There was Matisse:


And Mondrian:


And Magritte:


And Monet (lotta “M” artists):


And Klimt:


Underneath all the overhead foliage bridges were little pockets of plantery. My favorite was the escalators. Macy’s is presently redoing their basement floor so they cut off the floors right where the “down” escalators start and filled the areas with plants. For some reason I felt like the escalators still worked and if I took them I would descend into a magical forest filled with flowers and Totoros.

top-of-stairs1 top-of-stairs2

Off to one side was a Picasso sculpture:


And on the other side was, honestly I have no idea. A big mossy ampersand.

ampersand1 ampersand2

There was a sweet little impressionist-inspired garden:


And a wisteria setup with some faux Dale Chihuly glass elements shoved all up in there. I was reminded how much I love wisteria. Wisteria is dope.*


And for some reason I can’t figure out there were funky geometric lights off in another garden. I don’t see how that ties into any of the themes but I liked them so I will not be hatin’.



*You know how people get “Thug Life” tattoos on their abdomen? I really want to see someone get “Wisteria is Dope” across their belly in a really scary type. That would give me a great deal of joy.

So. Many. Charts.

Tuesday, March 10th, 2015

I have a chart going all the way back to Thanksgiving in here (the pie one). But since Pi Day is coming up this weekend I feel like it is strangely relevant. Anyway, enjoy the hell outta these here charts.

11KME 12FN2 12NZW 12OG1 12XQ5 126JJ 129AW 949d5b8b674ea4860bc6db8e4659bba1 1308R 1491613_1047177681969909_9017782096962831735_n 10426811_10205226415089706_1145441688329689804_n 127201415151 212015223056image 1192015204622 1282014000623 11202014114964 12520151648153 12620140239168 Screen Shot 2014-11-24 at 11.50.47 AM Screen Shot 2015-02-26 at 12.13.49 PM tumblr_nfpd5anzTr1qewacoo1_500 tumblr_nia7ddhdYx1r7yxrco1_500

Loads of creativity around these here parts.

Monday, March 9th, 2015

I have been crafting and painting and working lo these last few weeks in between having a raunchy bout of bronchitis. I horked and sniveled my way through several craft projects of which I am very proud. Remember the nutria project for the wedding I’m going to in New Orleans? In addition to that, I made the bride a parasol that she can carry down the street while a jazz band plays behind her. When I bought the parasol online, I noticed that it had ten distinct sections that I could use for personalized messages.

(Here is a picture of the parasol I bought. The only difference is mine is dark purple, not white.)


First I sewed a festive black and silver sequin fringe around the entire outer edge.

Then I measured the blank areas and made five different stencils that I repeated twice:

1. The initials of the bride and the groom
2. The date of the wedding

3. The letters “NOLA” for New Orleans, Louisiana

4. A fleur-de-lis (a symbol of New Orleans)

5. And “2nd Line,” the name of the parade where a jazz band follows you around and you carry a parasol


Following that came the gluing of the Swarovski crystals. So many crystals, each one glued by hand. I bought a gross of white ones and I think I used about half, meaning there are 500 white crystals on there. That does not include the purple or pink crystals. Or the glittery hearts I ironed on. It’s… got some sparkle. But I think Ness is going to love it. Her wedding colors are purple and burgundy so this fits right in with her theme.

parasol1 parasol2

When I’m lying in bed watching “Vikings” I work on the nutria that will go on my jaunty hat that I intend to wear at the wedding. I’m making him out of needle-felted roving so he will be lightweight. I began that project by making a structure in the vague shape of a semi-aquatic giant rodent out of some scrap illustration boards I had lying around.

nutria1 nutria2

Then the wrapping and stabbing began. I didn’t want to use up all my fancy llama roving so I made the base out of regular wool. I wrapped and stabbed and wrapped and stabbed and then made two pads for the ample rump of the nutria.


Right now I have it completely covered in nice brown llama roving, I’ve stabbed the eyes into place (that seems wrong to type but it is accurate), the ears and snoot are on and all I have left are the legs, tail and teeth. It’s going to be a lovely nutria.


And finally, The Project That Time Forgot, the kitchen backsplash. I painted the trees on. Yay! And then I hated them because they were too thick and the branches looked horsey.

kitchen-before kitchen-corner-before

So after HorkFest 2015 ended and I no longer wanted to lay in bed and gurgle, I returned and carefully thinned down one tree and all the branches. Much better. Very happy now.

kitchen-after kitchen-corner-after

It might not seem like a big difference, but to me it changes everything. It is a vast improvement. Next I need to tile the pebbles at the bottom and then the scary stained glass portion begins. Eeek.

I saw some art house films! And I only regret one of them.

Monday, March 2nd, 2015

A little while back I read on the internet that Lars Von Trier made a very long movie that had been split into two. They are Nymphomaniac Part I and Nymphomaniac Part II. I didn’t really have any interest in seeing them based on how they were reviewed but the director’s cut of both is presently streaming on Netflix so I thought, eh, what the hell. I hunkered down and watched Nymphomaniac Part I. Yeah. Sooooo, I can say it’s beautifully shot. It’s an incredibly well-composed film. Looks real evocative. That’s the positive. The negative is that it’s one of those movies just chock-full of intimate relations that makes you dislike sex, the opposite sex, the same sex, the English county of Essex, really anything to do with the word “sex.” Shia L’Boof kinda does an accent, Christian Slater doesn’t even try, everything is depressing and no one laughs ever for any reason. But again, looks great, not too depressing. Once I had gotten through this half I figured I needed to see the other half which is Nymphomaniac Part II and that’s when the regret kicks in. Oh dear Lord. This one is flat-out depressing to the point of making you want to drink drain cleaner. Not only do you hate sex, you hate all the everything everywhere forever. I’m going to put some bullet points right here that list some of the reasons you should not under any circumstances see this film, but they are intense and you are welcome to skip them.


Things you get to see in Nymphomaniac Part II:

  • a sex scene with two foreign men the female lead has just met which has equal parts intercourse and arguing over who gets what orifice
  • an at-home abortion with at-home utensils
  • frequent shots of the female lead’s bleeding genitals due to excessive masturbation
  • a whole bunch of rape (because who doesn’t like rape?)
  • a solid flogging with a knotted rope flogger
  • the unveiling of a pedophile in a creeptacular scene I will not go into detail about because it makes me barf a little in my mouth
  • just a smattering of (unrelated to the above) pedophilia
  • someone peeing on someone else who is lying in an alley after being beaten
  • Willem Dafoe


Hi, people who made the right choice and skipped the bullet points! Welcome back. I was seriously bummed out for about a day after seeing these films, specifically #2. It haunted me with its bumminess. So my opinion is only watch these if you’re in college and you need to write a paper about female sexuality or dystopian society, or you really really liked Breaking the Waves. Other than that, skip it. NO WATCHO.

I did, however, see a art house movie I did like, which is Horns starring Daniel Radcliffe. I think it’s supposed to be a horror film but it’s not very horrific. It’s more like a modern-day Grimm’s Fairy Tales. I don’t want to tell you too much about it because the viewer discovers the twists along with the main character and I don’t want to rob you of that but if you liked Slither or Pan’s Labyrinth then this is the movie for you. It’s weird, Harry Potter does a great job, the scenery is gorgeous, I was totally into it the whole time. Good film. Surprised it didn’t get more press.