Movies! I saw Black Mass, the story of the real-life bad guy Jimmy “Whitey” Bulger who was on the FBI’s Most Wanted List for twelve years, directly after Osama Bin Laden. Very naughty man. Mr. Bulger is played by Johnny Depp who does a bang-up job of being absolutely terrifying. Bulger got the nickname “Whitey” for having blonde hair and light blue eyes, so Mr. Depp, being sallow and dark, donned a wig and a nose extension and a janky front tooth and contacts and false eyelids and gosh darnit if he didn’t pull it off. I was definitely creeped out.
This film takes place between 1975 and 1981 in Boston where The Winter Hill Gang did all the things one associates with crime associations: drugs, racketeering, some light murder of enemies and/or snitches, money laundering, extortion, etc. The movie is extremely well done and aside from Benedict Cumberbatch’s appalling Boston accent (Seriously? Were no American actors available for that role? It’s not even a big or important role) it’s a pretty flawless film. My only complaint, which is my complaint about a lot of good cinema, is that I wish this was a miniseries so it didn’t feel so tight time-wise. My favorite aspect was how beautifully Black Mass was shot and colored. The composition choices were striking.
I mean, you look at this and tell me it’s not a Renaissance painting. I dare you.
Now we delve into some stuff from the 1980s. Growing up alone in a house full of forty-and fifty-year-olds I missed out on just about every iconic 1980s film. I’m only now catching up. So when I saw that The Running Man (1987) and Flash Gordon (1980) were playing on channels that don’t take out cursewords, violence or sex I DVR’ed both of them and then hunkered down to absorb the vintage magic and I have no regrets. I love a fine piece of cinema like I enjoy an exquisitely aged brie cheese, but I also love a garbage campy movie they way I enjoy that nacho cheeez that comes in the yogurt tubs at the movie theater. I have range. First, The Running Man.
1. I do not understand why we as a nation insisted on pretending that Arnold Schwartzenegger is a born and bred American when his accent is fooling precisely no one. His character’s name is Ben Richards. I mean, c’mon with that.
2.The film takes place in 2017 which always amuses me – when a movie tries to predict what the future is going to be like. It reminds me of these every time:
3. I learned that the film takes place in 2017 from the scroll of text at the beginning which was in what I assume is a futuristic font but is actually kinda hard to read. I had to rewind and watch it twice. The S looks like a B and the R looks like an A and the D looks like an O, it’s not a great time.
“TELEVIBION IB CONTADLLED BY THE BTATE ANO A BAOISTIC GAME BHDW CALLED”
I felt like I was reading an eye chart.
4. Uhhhhh, why did no one tell me Arnold looks so good with a beard and why didn’t we encourage him to rock that all the time? He looked smexy as hell.
5. Snorth informed me that there’s a song that sampled Richard Dawson’s lines from the film. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wKduhUXa0rg
I would have listened to this incessantly as a high schooler had I known about it. I might listen to it incessantly now. Again, my taste has a large range.
6. Who when they saw the name “Richard Dawson” in the opening credits thought that a British man was going to tell us there is no God and the definition of the word “meme”? Just me? Never mind.
7. Favorite part of the film: The Running Man dancers who were choreographed by Paula Abdul. I could have watched an hour and a half of them in their high-cut leotards and glitter-sprayed hair and I would have been content with that. And my favorite part of my favorite part was the dancer who lifts her leg up as Arnold is led by to his potential death. It’s like she thought, “That light is going to hit me as he goes past and it’s my chance to shine! Acknowledge my flexibility! Side split! Boom!” It happens at the 1:18 mark on this link.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GytcPIpgDlQ
Also of note is the Martha Graham modern dance piece to commemorate the gruesome passing of two beloved killers. This movie is gloriously weird.
8. Second favorite part: Fat blonde man in a Lite Brite-encrusted clear plastic gladiator uniform who sings opera and shoots electricity to kill his victims. None of that is a typo.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Cy8rT8oHCbI
I would recommend The Running Man because it’s not good but definitely not bad either. It’s “of a time” and should be seen as such. It’s a fun laundry-folding-while-you’re-watching kind of thing.
Then there was Flash Gordon. I knew the music from this film for a long time because I listened to a lot of Queen. I assumed (foolishly as hell it turns out) that if Queen was involved it would be a good film. Max Von Sidow’s in it! Dino De Laurentiis produced it! It had a ginormous budget! The aforementioned Queen soundtrack! It had to be good!
It was not good.
What was great was the sets and costumes. They were top notch.
If I had to sum up the costumes with one phrase, it would be “bugle beads.” HOLY CRAP the use of bugle beads on these outfits, I’m surprised any bugle beads are left in the world. In case you don’t know, a bugle bead is like a long glass seed bead often lined on the inside with metal for added reflectibility.
The costumes and headdresses were slathered in rows and rows of bugle beads. They were glued down. They were sewed on. It was out of control.
There’s an attempt at a movie around the sets and costumes. I won’t bother to sum it up. It’s boring and whatever happens and no one cares. I would recommend turning the sound completely off and having it play in the background a party for people to look at when they’re not schmoozing with other party-goers. That’s it. It’s not even worth watching with sound for the Queen music. Tres tres disappointement.