Archive for August, 2022

Useless Farm.

Saturday, August 13th, 2022

There’s a farm in Canada that takes in animals and they live out the rest of their lives doing nothing for humans, just being the best type of animal they are. Nothing unique about that. The difference at Useless Farm, however, is the social media is run by one of the owners, Amanda, and she might be the greatest at social media ever. First of all, she looks like she would never sully her hands working at a farm. She has salon nails and eyelash inserts and I think Botox in her forehead. She clearly takes care of her hair. But Amanda gets right in there and shovels sh*t with the rest of them. Second, she has a phenomenal sense of humor. And finally, Amanda won the lottery by adopting a very ornery emu named Karen. Karen haaaaaaates Amanda and tries to kill her all day every day. It’s gold.

Useless Farm is all videos but I can explain to you who the main characters are.

1. Amanda. She and her husband and her two kids own the farm. She is the only person you see.

2. The three alpacas: Keith, Craig and Michael. Craig is Michael’s father. Keith has anxiety. Michael is really really stupid.

3. Brad. He’s a silky chicken. He screams and attacks everyone. No one likes him. It’s on their website.

4. The PEN 15 club. I think those are the geese. It includes Gary Gusey. Get it? Like Gary Busey, but goose.

5. The HR Department. I think those are the ducks. This group contains Pencil, the cutest duck, and Paul, a baby duckie (<3). They chirp and make plap-plap-plap noises with their feet when they walk, they might be my favorites.

6. Stanley the emu. He is a treasure, a sweet and kind boy. He likes to dance and is not averse to wearing festive hats and wigs.

7. And then there’s Karen. She wakes up every day and chooses violence.

If you want to watch all their videos you can go to TikTok or YouTube.

https://www.tiktok.com/@useless_farm?lang=en

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCa8kXMDswCOEELpd1NYS4Mg

But I made a curated selection of videos that I think really capture the oeuvre of the farm. I chose them from both the YouTube page and the TikTok page because I’m fond of old school but not close-minded to new technology.

https://www.youtube.com/shorts/a7qDVzxK4dQ

https://www.youtube.com/shorts/Flnug7gy3hg

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XnDnnFvSTjw

https://www.youtube.com/shorts/P1fM1eS3tYw

https://www.youtube.com/shorts/VzGadaKOVc8

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cmbDSOrxNHg

https://www.tiktok.com/@useless_farm/video/7108416894431956230?is_copy_url=1&is_from_webapp=v1&lang=en

https://www.tiktok.com/@useless_farm/video/7101756183001828613?is_copy_url=1&is_from_webapp=v1&lang=en

Enjoy.

 

Addendum: You might want to subscribe to their YouTube page because then you get suggestions like this:

The Tale of Sharon and The Pie of Thanksgiving.

Wednesday, August 3rd, 2022

This is a year old already which in Internet Years is four billion but it’s still worth sharing. Here’s the deal: This was the image that got all the attention.

The Internet went ape.

Then Phyllis showed up.

And The Internet (which I have made a large globular sentient being and that’s fine) was like “The Green Bean Incident??? Tell us everything!!”

The whole thing is magnificent and the only people I feel sorry for are the people also named Sharon Weiss who woke up one morning with a ton of unwarranted comments. My thoughts and prayers go out to them.